Love In The Hard

The Silent Identity Crisis in Blended Families: Finding Your Way Back to Yourself

• Cindi and Patrick Pistelli • Season 1 • Episode 17

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Cindi shares her deeply personal journey of losing her identity after quickly remarrying, moving to a new town, and becoming a stepmom. Patrick joins the conversation as they explore the silent grief of starting over and how Cindi finally found her way back to herself.

• Cindi describes the rapid life changes: selling her home, moving to Patrick's house, changing her daughter's school, and losing her independence
• The struggle of becoming known primarily as "Patrick's wife" in a small town while feeling like she was "renting space" in his world
• How Cindi  kept her office an hour away because it felt like "the last thing that was still mine"
• The breakthrough that came through coaching certification, helping Cindi  uncover buried grief and reconnect with her values
• Patrick's perspective on watching his wife struggle and feeling helpless to fix the situation
• Cindi's decision to create a home office in her grandparents' old shed – bringing something with deep roots into her new life
• The growth that comes through difficult seasons and how these experiences can help others facing similar challenges

If you're finding yourself in that in-between space where life looks fine on the outside but you feel lost inside, reach out. You're not selfish for wanting something that's yours. You're not too old or too far gone, and it's definitely not too late.


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Speaker 1:

Hey friends, welcome to Love in the Heart, where we share our journey of resilience, faith and transformation, diving into raw, real-life challenges like overcoming past trauma, self-doubt and building a strong, loving family, all with the hope of inspiring others to see God's hand in their own stories.

Speaker 2:

We are Patrick and Cindy Pistelli, and we are here to remind you that you are not alone. There's hope even when life feels tough. So grab a seat and let's get real.

Speaker 3:

Hey friends, welcome back to Loving the Hard. Today we are just going to get real with you. We're not going to get fancy, not going to be overly polished, it's just going to be us sharing part of our story that has been unfolding quietly behind the scenes over the course of the past several years really. And you know, like Toby Keith says, I like talking about you, you, you, you usually, and today that's what we're going to do.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so this has been one of those seasons where things have just kind of started to click for me in a deeper way, but it didn't start with a lot of clarity. It actually started with a lot of frustration and, honestly, a lot of grief.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, we had a conversation on Sunday evening. We had a good afternoon. I'd been gone for several days and we just took the afternoon to spend together and we found ourselves sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store for probably an hour. We had this conversation where we talked about some things that maybe I hadn't fully realized. I think I did to some extent, but I think there were some things that came out of that conversation that really opened my eyes in a new way to how long you've been carrying some of this and how you've been dealing with it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So today I really want to talk about something that a lot of women deal with, especially those of us who are in a blended family or in a second marriage or just in a season of big change somewhere. I've had a lot of conversations with women over the years who have kind of felt this exact same way, but we just really didn't know how to put it into words. Or you know, as women we tend to just stuff it down and not talk about it. So today I want to ask the question where did I go? That's not in like a dramatic runaway sense, but just, you know, slowly over time, realizing that pieces of who you were got buried.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, this is something I know that you have lived through and I've watched it, and I think for me this was difficult because I saw you going through this and I think at first there was a part of me that was frustrated because I was like, why can't you just get over this and move on? But then it changed and I realized, well, it's just not that easy to just get over it. And so then I moved to the point of what can I do to help? And then it got to the point where I was just kind of sitting by helplessly because I saw what you were going through and there was nothing I could do, as much as I tried, that could make it better. So you know, this is this is where we have lived for the past several years, and now you finally get to give a voice to it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so before we met I had my own home in Avon. I had my massage therapy business of Zolson Real Estate, had my kids, I had my routine. I lived in the town that I grew up in. I was raising my kids on my own, the way I saw fit, and you know that wasn't always easy, but that was mine. So it was something that felt grounded, it was something that I knew who I was.

Speaker 3:

And then we joked about this. At first, you know, I think we hadn't been dating very long, and I remember we were taking a walk and I think you said something to the effect of and then you came along and you just knocked me right off my feet. I think swept you off your feet would be better, but no, I think.

Speaker 1:

I think knocked me off my feet was probably pretty accurate.

Speaker 2:

Well, in hindsight, I remember when we had the conversation.

Speaker 3:

I said that's right. I came in like a wrecking ball and and that's what happened, and we were joking at the time, but when we met, everything that you knew changed, and it changed very, very quickly.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So when we met I think some of you already know our story we met, we were engaged within three months and married within eight months, so everything happened just very, very quickly, which was good. We had, you know, a lot of good things happening, but in that very short time I sold my house. I moved into the house that you had in your previous marriage, which is not easy to do. My daughter switched schools at the time she was in first she was going into first grade.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, she started first grade at South Putnam so she switched schools. She started going to the one. You know where your kids went. We moved to the town that you lived in, which made sense. Logistically that made sense. It was a bigger house, your kids were settled in school, whereas my daughter was just starting out and very personable. So we knew that she would be fine making friends. But emotionally I didn't realize how much of my identity was really getting lost in that process.

Speaker 3:

And I don't think I recognize that either, and some of that may be just because I'm a man and I tend to think logically and not think emotionally. So from a logical sense, I had a house that was big enough for all of us. I got a great deal when I bought it, so there was a lot of equity in it. It just it made sense logically, but I don't think either one of us really considered the impact it was going to have emotionally. You were stepping into a new life, but you were also stepping out of what had been yours.

Speaker 1:

Exactly so I I don't feel like I ever really resented it. I probably had times where it probably seemed like I did, because I know that we've had some really tough conversations at times. So, but like I said earlier, you know these weren't bad changes, but they really truly felt like I didn't have anything of my own anymore. So I didn't have a space that was mine. I didn't feel like I had a direction. I felt like, honestly, I felt like we were renting space in your world and so for a very long time I didn't know really how to say that out loud, so I just kind of buried. It kind of went through the motions and you know, every now and again an outburst would happen and you know we would deal with that and move on. Or you know, I think I have basically changed just about every square inch of the house since I've been there, and a couple of times over, yeah, and I mean I, I knew that you were feeling this.

Speaker 3:

They were conversations that we had, so it's it's not like any of this took me by surprise. I just didn't understand it. I didn't know I could know with my of who I fell in love with was your drive and your confidence, and just the fact that nobody could tell you know that was like a challenge, could tell you no, that was like a challenge. And over time you lost that and it hurt me because I knew that is who you were and I didn't know how to help you get back there. So I hate that you carried that alone for so long and there was nothing I could do to help you.

Speaker 1:

So it's not something that you can always name when you're in it, but over the years it just really kind of built up and so I kept my office in Brownsburg, which is an hour away from our house, but I kept it because it felt like the last thing that was still mine. So it didn't really make sense on paper, but emotionally I needed that tie to who I used to be.

Speaker 3:

And I think for me, because of things that have happened in my past, that to me that felt like like a separation. It felt like this was something that you had, that you wanted separate from me, and so I kind of felt like this was an, this was kind of like an out and it wasn't. But we never had that conversation, really, where I voiced that concern. So there may have been a part of me that was trying to hold on because I didn't want to give you the free way out, but that's not what you really wanted. And so the wild thing about all of this is that none of it came out fully until you started your coaching certification, and it wasn't even just starting the coaching certification, because you were well into that process before, before these things started to come out and we were both able to voice things in a way that the other person could receive it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that program has honestly just been such a game changer for me and, you know, not just because of what I'm learning but because of what it's helping me to uncover about myself. So when I started doing the assessments and journaling and you know, for the for the course, things just started to come up and it was stuff that I didn't realize that I was still holding on to. It was again, it was the stuff that I had buried deep inside. But going through this program has just really opened my eyes to what I was still holding on to. And you know I knew that going in.

Speaker 1:

I knew that when I started this coaching journey everyone says, oh, my gosh, it's so life changing and you're going to learn so much about yourself.

Speaker 1:

And you just kind of think, yeah, okay, you know I've really dealt with stuff.

Speaker 1:

I don't have a whole lot that I'm still working on. But then you start going through it and really doing the different modules and one by one, it just starts kind of chipping away. And you know I had been in this I've been in it now for a year and I don't think I really got into it what until just a few months ago and I really just dove into it and my brain kept trying to tell me that, well, maybe you don't actually want to do this, maybe this isn't for you. And the reality of that is I was truly right on the edge of a breakthrough and my brain wanted to hold me back because I was growing through that and once I was able to just kind of push through that, which wasn't easy, but I was able to push through that and then all of a sudden, it was like things just started opening up for me and it's just, it's been incredible, but it's been a very emotional journey, but it's also been just such an amazing journey that I've been able to go on.

Speaker 3:

So you said that there was stuff that you were holding on to that you you didn't realize, and and you made the comment that you know, when you started this, people were saying, oh, you're going to be amazed how much you learn about yourself.

Speaker 3:

And I think we all have this tendency to say what do you mean? I know myself, like I know the back of my hand, but I think the reality is we don't know ourselves very well at all. In fact, the Bible teaches us that the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. Above all things, who can know it? And that's talking about our own hearts. We might think we know what's going on in there, but it's because we only take time to look on the surface and we don't take the time to dig deep. We don't take the time to ask the Holy Spirit to teach us what is really in my heart. So, as you were going through this process and you were allowing God to speak to you and show you some things that were hidden or that had been lost, can you share with us some of those things that maybe you were still holding on to, that you didn't realize?

Speaker 1:

One of the biggest things I felt like was I didn't realize how much I was still grieving the loss of independence. And for most of my adult life I was, you know, a single parent and just kind of by myself. So I was fiercely independent and that was just something that I knew was me and so I didn't have that. So I was. I was grieving the loss of independence. I really didn't feel like I had a clear direction when I moved to Greencastle. This one sticks out in my mind all the time. Obviously, you know this one sticks out in my mind all the time. Obviously, you know this one, but not everyone does. I took the kids to a dentist appointment and this was early in our relationship, so we hadn't been together. Well, we hadn't been married too long, I don't know, maybe a year or so.

Speaker 3:

I don't remember less than a year.

Speaker 1:

And so I took the kids to a dentist appointment and I remember the lady there was telling me about the Pistelli kids schedule and I just remember thinking like, yeah, I know I'm in it, I live there and I'm helping to take the kids, you know, to their games and things like that, and so you know it was living in a smaller town where you're kind of under a microscope. I was really kind of known as your wife and not anything else. You know your wife, their stepmom, and you know these are things I love. I love being your wife, I love being their bonus mom. But I also needed to remember who I am.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I struggled with that as well, because we would have those conversations and you would share that with me. And what was hard for me was that to me you were never just my wife, just my wife. That may have been how people knew you, but in my eyes you have always been so much more than just that. So even just thinking about it now the fact that I'm not supposed to get emotional right now, but the fact that you carried that and I didn't have a way to show you that you've always been more than just my wife but now, looking back and that we've had these conversations, I see it and it makes so much sense now and it really breaks my heart that I wasn't able to see it before.

Speaker 1:

I think with anything, though, like there is timing, like the timing is always perfect, and I truly believe that God puts us through things, you know, tests that become our testimony, and you know I had to go through that, and whereas it wasn't very comfortable at the time, there were, you know, definitely times where it was very difficult and hard. It's like I'm thankful that I have gone through a lot of the things that I have, especially with, you know, getting to be able to work with women who are going through very similar things. I believe that, with everything that I have been through in my life, that God opens that door and allows us to go through those things and down the road. More times than not, I have come across other people who have either gone through, you know, the same thing I've been going through or something very, very similar, and so I have that ability to really kind of tap into it, because I know what it was like, like for me to go through it. So, you know, through the course, I've been learning how to actually name what it is that I want.

Speaker 1:

I've been setting goals, focusing on one thing instead of 17 different things, because I think and I don't know if that's an entrepreneurial thing or just what. But you know, my mind is constantly creating and thinking of different things and you know, oh, look at that shiny object, let's go after that. And so you know, I really had to take the time and just focus on one thing. And you know, do that one thing very well. And so that's what I've done. You know, I closed the massage business, I'm going into referral in real estate and I'm able to just really focus on the coaching. And while you were gone in Colorado, I spent Colorado, colorado yeah, I don't know Colorado. I spent three days completely deep, cleaning and organizing our house and you know, it was just, there was something that shifted and I just I felt that peace again. So it was like I was finally coming home to myself.

Speaker 3:

And then you made a big decision.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I did. I when? When did I do that? Two days ago. A couple days ago I actually turned in my notice at the Brownsburg office. So I'm still here for 90 days. You have to give a 90 day notice. But I am officially going to work from home and not just from a corner of the house because we have two very loud dogs, but from what's gonna be my office. We're actually going to turn my grandparents old shed into my work from home space and I'm hoping that we'll be able to kind of start the construction and everything on that in September. So rather than going an hour to work, I will just have to go into our backyard.

Speaker 3:

I am excited about that. I know that there were aspects about the hours drive here that you enjoyed, but I think is good because it's yours, it has roots, it has meaning, because you have a very real emotional connection to that building.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think the building is actually older than me. I remember it being at every house that my grandparents had. So when my friend bought their the last house that they had and she was going to get rid of it, she asked me if I wanted it. I was like yeah. So we were able to bring that to our house and and of course it's been a shed since we brought it there. The whole intent was always for it to be an office, but we also have a lot of stuff and so we get to go through that and clean that out.

Speaker 3:

But we get to bring new life to it.

Speaker 1:

We get to bring new life. So, yeah, I'm very, very excited, I think also with your new job and having a steady income, like honestly, it just really truly feels like I can finally exhale and I can finally say that I've got something that's mine again.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, you never stopped being you, but now I see you stepping into being yourself again. I see that confidence, I see that drive. I see in you. That drive I see in you and and this was the conversation we had on Sunday evening was that I see you being you and I see the woman that I fell in love with fully coming back. I see you being fulfilled once again.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and you know, I say all of this stuff because I know that there's someone else out there right now listening who feels like they've lost themselves. And you know, maybe it's from a move, maybe it's from a marriage or motherhood, or just you know. Or just you know caregiving or just life handing them a lot of change all at once. And you know, as I don't know how guys handle it, but as women we just kind of push it down, we keep going and eventually it's you just don't know who you are anymore.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, you said something earlier. You were talking about timing and I think that's really important. There's a scripture that we hear shared a lot and I've heard it shared a lot, I've shared it a lot and if we don't look at it in the right way, we'll miss the truth that is found there, and it's Romans 8, 28 says that all things work together for good to them who love the Lord and who are the called according to his purpose. That scripture doesn't mean that everything that happens is good, but it means that God is going to use our circumstances for his glory. And it kind of goes along with when Joseph is revealing himself to his brothers and they're afraid that he's going to be angry with them, and he says you meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.

Speaker 3:

And so, while I hate that we had to go through these things, I hate that you had to go through the things that you've gone through over the course of the past seven or eight years. I think that it's those experiences that God is going to use to help other people that are going through this or something similar to it. You know, when we met, we said God had something in store for us. We probably could have started this podcast eight years ago and we could have talked about the pain that we had endured in previous relationships and things that we had experienced in life, and I think that's what this podcast was supposed to be when we first started it, but it really has evolved into some things that we didn't foresee coming, and this is one of those.

Speaker 3:

So, while these last seven or eight years have been very, very challenging, it allows us, and allows you specifically, to be able to connect with other women who are experiencing something similar, and maybe it gives me the opportunity to connect with other men that may be in a place where they see their wife struggling and they don't know what to do or how to help them know what to do or how to help them. So you know, if that's you, this is your reminder that it's not too late to come back to yourself, to create something new and to build something that is yours, and that's what we're doing in this podcast. It's not, you know, you are Patrick's wife. It's that we are a team and we are building something new.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I love the fact that we have this platform because we are able to connect with so many people who are going through very similar things.

Speaker 1:

And that is you know, that's at the core of you, know what we, our heart that's where the core of you, know what we are.

Speaker 1:

Heart that's where our heart is is just being able to help somebody else go through that. I think that's the whole reason that, you know, coaching meant so much to me and, of course, going through it I tried to convince myself that you know, maybe I'm just not supposed to do this. You know I've gone through every emotion possible and trying to not do the coaching, but the reality is it's something that God has for me and I think I've always known that all along, that he did have something like that for me. I didn't know that it was coaching, but now that I'm able to go through that and really connect with other women through that, like oh man, it's, it's powerful. So you know, I didn't realize how much I was holding on to and still till I start working through it, and so just getting to help other women do the same thing and just unpack the invisible stuff, you know, and get to realign with your values and get to realign with you, know what you believe in and just find clarity in that chaos. I think that's amazing.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, if you're finding yourself in that in-between space where life looks fine on the outside but you feel kind of lost inside, because that's exactly where you were. You looked fine on the outside, you've always been really good about holding it all together. When you're in the public space and inside you are being destroyed, and that's a side that most people don't get to see, but it's a side that I've lived through with you over these past several years. If you find yourself there, reach out. I know that you're really going to kick off this coaching and I know from living with you that this isn't just a job. This is absolutely your calling in life. It's how God is going to use you to see people's lives absolutely transformed people's lives absolutely transformed.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I'm just I'm so excited about that and I'm just just so grateful that you know I I'm going to get to work with amazing women, and I'm also just I'm grateful to finally feel aligned with something that reflects who I really am. And you know, coaching isn't just something that I'm going to do. It truly is a part of you. Know how I got my voice back, and I would just be so honored to be able to help you find yours too, if you find yourself in that same situation.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, so take the step. You're not selfish for wanting something that's yours. You're not too old or too far gone, and it's definitely not too late. If this has been something that has been helpful for you, I encourage you to reach out to Cindy. If you know somebody that is struggling with this, feel free to send them a copy of this podcast. Feel free to have them check out our Facebook page, or you can find us online. There'll be an opportunity to connect with us there. So until next time, friends, just remember that love is worth it, even in the hard.

Speaker 1:

God bless. Hey friend, thanks for listening. If you got something out of this episode, be sure to follow or subscribe to Love in the Hard on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen, so you never miss a new episode. Please take time to leave a review, especially if you listen on Apple Podcasts. This will help more people access honest conversations about building lasting relationships, resilience through life's hardest moments and mindset shifts to overcome self-doubt and if you're really feeling it, go ahead and screenshot this episode on your phone and share it on social media.

Speaker 2:

Tag us at loving the hard on facebook and instagram and we'll be sure to reshare your post. Thanks again for listening. We'll be sure to reshare your post. Thanks again for listening. We'll see you next time.