Love In The Hard
Welcome to Love in the Hard – a podcast about resilience, faith, and finding strength through life’s toughest moments. Hosted by a couple who knows what it’s like to face struggles head-on, we dive into real stories of overcoming past trauma, navigating divorce, blending families, and rebuilding lives with God’s help. Together, we tackle tough topics like self-doubt, entrepreneurship, co-parenting, and how to build a relationship that stands strong through life’s storms.
Join us each week for heartfelt conversations, lessons learned, and the hope that God’s love can transform even the hardest situations. Whether you’re in a relationship, navigating a blended family, or simply looking to overcome personal challenges, this is your place to connect, grow, and find encouragement.
Tune in, share your journey, and discover how to find love, healing, and purpose – even in the hard.
Love In The Hard
The Unspoken Freedom: When Forgiveness Becomes Your Choice
Have you ever found yourself waiting for an apology that never came? That elusive "I'm sorry" that would somehow make everything right again? Today we dive deep into the challenging territory of forgiving without apology—that messy, complicated space where healing becomes entirely your choice.
We thoughtfully dismantle the myth that forgiveness means what happened was okay or that you must immediately trust someone again. Instead, they frame forgiveness as a deliberate release—a choice to stop carrying the weight of resentment for your own freedom.
What makes this conversation so powerful is how they balance spiritual wisdom with practical application. Drawing from biblical examples like Jesus forgiving from the cross while being actively mocked, they demonstrate that forgiveness isn't dependent on receiving an acknowledgment of wrongdoing. Then they offer tangible steps forward: releasing the need for justice, acknowledging your pain through prayer or journaling, setting healthy boundaries, and speaking your forgiveness aloud to break the cycle of waiting.
Whether you're dealing with deep wounds from the past or currently navigating a relationship where bitterness is brewing, this episode provides both the compassion and tools needed to choose peace. Forgiveness without an apology isn't about them—it's about your freedom. Ready to set down those heavy bags you've been carrying? This conversation might be exactly what you need to take that first step toward healing.
Please follow or subscribe to Love in the Hard on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen. Leave a review, especially on Apple Podcasts, and share this episode on social media by tagging us @LovinTheHard on Facebook and Instagram.
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Hey friends, welcome to Love in the Heart, where we share our journey of resilience, faith and transformation, diving into raw real-life challenges like overcoming past trauma, self-doubt and building a strong, loving family, all with the hope of inspiring others to see God's hand in their own stories.
Speaker 2:We are Patrick and Cindy.
Speaker 3:Pistelli, and we are here to remind you that you are not alone.
Speaker 2:There's hope even when life feels tough. So grab a seat and let's get real.
Speaker 1:Hey friends, welcome back to Love in the Heart. So today we are diving into a topic that so many people have been through and struggle with and that is forgiving without an apology. So this is the kind of forgiveness where there's no neat bow to wrap it up. There's no, I'm sorry. There's no moment where everything wrap it up. There's no, I'm sorry. There's no moment where everything just clicks and makes sense. So it's just you, your pain and the decision to let go, and I think everybody has been through this. I know that we have definitely been through this one as well.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we've definitely walked through situations like this, both before we met and during this blended family journey that we find ourselves on. You know times where we had to forgive people who never said they were sorry. Some of those people were people that were close to us. Some of them were part of our past relationships and in some cases, they were people that were close to us. Some of them were part of our past relationships and in some cases, they were people that we love deeply. And that's where it gets complicated. You know you want to honor people in your life, especially for the sake of your kids, but we're also carrying a very deep wound.
Speaker 3:So, for me, one of the hardest parts of One of the hardest parts of learning to forgive without getting an apology was the idea of letting go of the idea that closure has to come from them. It doesn't, but this is a mindset that we have, that we feel like I can never move forward until I have received closure, and that includes an apology from them. And the reality is really what we're searching for is we are looking for them to acknowledge that they were in the wrong, and without that we don't feel like we can move forward. But that's not the case whatsoever, because the ability to forgive is a choice that we make, and sometimes that closure that we're looking for comes from God. Sometimes it comes from a quiet moment when we just finally realize that I'm tired of carrying this weight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we want to be really respectful here. So we are not throwing anyone under the bus. There are things that we have walked through that have shaped us deeply and even though some of those situations were very painful, we have been able to see God use those to grow us and help others. So we are not speaking from a place of bitterness at all. We are speaking from a place of freedom that we found after choosing forgiveness. So this is something that a lot of people struggle with, and it's the idea of if I forgive, it means that what they did was okay, and that is not at all what forgiveness is.
Speaker 1:Forgiveness is actually letting go so that you're not carrying that weight anymore. So it doesn't mean that you're pretending that nothing happened. Obviously, what happened is very real. That doesn't go away. But it does mean that you don't have to carry the weight of resentment anymore. So and you know that doesn't also necessarily mean that you let somebody back into a position of trust. Trust takes a long time to earn back, and that's not to say that that can't happen, because it absolutely can, but that is completely a process and you know that could take time to to really get there.
Speaker 3:I think it's really important to understand the fact that it's not a one time thing, that this is a process, and sometimes we have to forgive over and over and over again. And I used to think forgiving someone meant I had to be okay with what they did, but I've learned that it really means I trust God to be the judge. I don't have to carry their choices on my back anymore.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it means dying to yourself every day means dying to yourself every day.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think that's scriptural too, that you know, the Bible tells us that. Paul, when he was writing, he said I die daily. And that's dying to our own want. It's dying to our own needs. It's dying to our own selfish desires. And while we don't like to talk about it, unforgiveness is a selfish desire. We're holding on to something for selfish purposes.
Speaker 3:So I used to think that forgiving someone meant I had to be okay with what they did, but now I know that it really just means that I have to trust God to be the judge. I don't have to carry their choices on my back anymore. You know this topic came up because yesterday we got a text message from one of the kids and it said have you forgiven mom? And you know we asked some questions about where the question came from. And it's because in church yesterday they had a message that was about forgiveness and in Luke 6, 37, the scriptures say forgive and you will be forgiven.
Speaker 3:Kids were concerned that if we had never taken the opportunity to forgive, then maybe that means that we're not in the place spiritually that we need to be. And so we had a conversation with her about what it means to forgive and what that looks like, and just assuring her that, yes, we both have forgiven people in our lives that have caused us pain. You know, in Romans 12, 18, the Bible says as much as is possible, live at peace with everyone, and forgiveness is a part of that. As long as I'm holding on to unforgiveness, I'm going to have a really hard time living at peace, because unforgiveness breeds bitterness and bitterness is not something that is conducive to peaceful relationships. And you know even Jesus on the cross, in Luke 23, 34, he said Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's one of the I mean, obviously, it is the biggest time that we've ever heard of for forgiveness was Jesus forgiving from the cross after he had been just humiliated and beaten beyond recognition. And he says, in the middle of all of that pain forgive them, for they know not what they do. And I don't think any of us can possibly even fathom what that would have been like, because that is just the epitome of love that he has for us Forgiving while he is getting ready to die, you know, and a crucifixion you know the way they're positioned on the cross, they have to lift themselves up just to be able to say that while he is actively being crucified is just unbelievable to me. It's not something that we can ever, ever imagine. You know, he didn't do that after an apology, because they didn't apologize. He didn't do that once things got easier, because he was being crucified on the cross. So, and if he can do that, then we can surely lean on his strength and we don't have our own.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it says in there. You talked about the fact that this is the epitome of love. You know, the Bible tells us that, while we were still sinners, that Christ died for us. So when we were apologizing, not only were we not sorry or remorseful those people in the crowd, they were actively mocking him, and he still chose to ask God to forgive them. So what are some practical tools that we can use to forgive when we don't get the apology that we're looking for?
Speaker 3:I think, first of all, we have to release the need for justice. That's really what we're looking for when we're looking for an apology. We are looking for someone to acknowledge that they were wrong, looking for them to acknowledge that they hurt us, and we want to see them suffer, if you will, the way that we have suffered due to the hurt that they have caused us. But the reality is we are not the judge and God is. So to release the need for justice simply means that I'm going to place the situation in God's hands and let him do what he sees fit. I think it's also good if we acknowledge our pain by prayer or journaling. You know, sometimes, especially as men, we feel like I can't let them see that I'm hurt, they can't see tears. I've got to put on, you know, my John Wayne mask and be the man. But that doesn't help us and I think everybody struggles with this. I can speak from the perspective of a man that we struggle with this because we hold it in, we don't want to acknowledge that we were hurt, because we want to be strong enough that people can't hurt us. But I read through the Psalms and I read about David acknowledging the pain that he felt at different times in his life. And I think that if we're going to learn to forgive without an apology, we have to be willing to acknowledge that pain in prayer, in journaling, acknowledge it to somebody else, but acknowledge our pain. And then I think it's also important that we set healthy boundaries.
Speaker 3:You know, earlier you spoke about the fact that forgiveness doesn't mean that we're going to allow somebody back into a position of trust, and I think that's really important to understand. If you've been betrayed, then you're going to have some walls up and that doesn't mean that you haven't forgiven. It just means that you're protecting yourself. Eventually we need to take those walls down, allow the Spirit of God to move, to set us free from those chains that we find ourselves in, but it's important that we set healthy boundaries.
Speaker 3:And I also think one final thing that I have as a practical tool I think it's important that we acknowledge our part in it as well. Not every situation in which we've been hurt do we have any responsibility, but sometimes we do have some fault and I think it's important that we look at my part in it, that I look at my part in the breakdown of a relationship, that I look at my part in what caused actions that I got hurt you know what, what was my part in that Acknowledge that part and take responsibility for it. And I think that's necessary before we're ever going to be able to move forward in forgiving somebody else, whether they offer us an apology or not.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I think a lot of this really boils down to this being just completely rooted in pride. So, you know, we don't want to humble ourselves and acknowledge that we've done anything wrong, and as long as we can hold on to not forgiving someone, we feel like we're punishing them, but a lot of times, what happens is we're holding on to something and they've forgotten all about it. So they don't even realize that you're holding this grudge, or whatever it is, against them, because they're not thinking about it. They've completely moved on, and so, really, all you're doing is, you know, punishing yourself. So something you could do, though, is you know out loud speak.
Speaker 1:You know I choose to forgive whoever even though they haven't apologized, because if you're, if you're waiting around for an apology nine times out of 10, you're never going to get it. So all you're actually doing at that point is you're waiting around for something that's never going to happen. You are constantly thinking about it because it's always going to come across your mind. You're not truly moving on. Even though you say you've moved on, you're not actually moving on, because you're still stuck in the place where this person hurt you, and you're trying to get that justification. So you know you really have to let it go, not for the other person but for yourself, and don't rush your healing because it really is a process.
Speaker 1:So obviously, obviously, you want to forgive. That can be done right away. I forgive and you know, I kind of look at this like you know, you forgive a debt. When you forgive a debt, it's done, it's over. But sometimes that healing is still there and you have to go through that process to be able to fully heal. And if it's something that you're really struggling with, I just encourage you to really reach out to a counselor or, you know, ask for prayer, ask for somebody to help kind of guide you through that, because a lot of times when we're stuck in that unforgiveness, we can't see anything else. So other people, a third party, can really kind of look into that and see what's going on.
Speaker 3:I think, a key that we've talked about today it's come up several times, I know we've used this word several times in the midst of our conversation today and it's the word choose. Forgiveness is a choice. We either choose to forgive or we choose to hold on to the pain. And the other word that I've that I've heard mentioned several times is the word let go or the phrase let go, and I think those are, you know, essential to understanding what we're talking about today. Forgiveness is a choice. We talked about Jesus on the cross and he chose to forgive people who not only may not have offered an apology, but they weren't worthy of being forgiven, but he still chose to forgive, father. Forgive them because they don't know what they're doing. So I think that's really important to understand that the power of forgiveness lies with us, through the power of the Spirit of God to enable us to forgive. So if you're still waiting for the apology, just understand that it's okay. You're not weak for being hurt and you're not wrong for choosing peace.
Speaker 1:Anyway, yeah, and like we've said before, you know, just forgiveness without an apology isn't about them, it's about you having that freedom and not holding onto it anymore. So you know, that's the biggest blessing with forgiveness is just being able to set your bags down and walk on and not have to carry that anymore, so you can truly just give it all to God. I don't know how many times I have prayed Lord. You know the true situation, you know what's going on. I am releasing this right now into your power because I can't carry this on my own and you know, I always think, because he forgave us, we need to forgive others, and that is easier said than done sometimes, depending on what it was. But it's so necessary to forgive, you know, and let God do the healing, because we cannot heal on our own. He has to be the one to heal us and I truly believe that, as you let that go, god's going to fill that space with peace and with healing, and he'll fill it with joy.
Speaker 3:And I find it interesting that this episode is going to be released here around the Easter season. To be released here around the Easter season, and we think about Easter as being a time of new life, but it ultimately is the pinnacle of forgiveness. So I don't find it to be a coincidence that this is the topic that we're talking about right now, because we are preparing to celebrate the greatest example of forgiveness that the world ever has or ever will know. So what I want to do we don't do this very often, but I just want to take a moment and have a word of prayer with all of our listeners today, because forgiveness isn't easy and it's like we said, it's a process, and we might have to do it day after day after day after day, and it takes incredible strength to forgive. But that process is easier when we invite the Holy Spirit to be a part of that process. So we're just going to have a short word of prayer here before we close out this episode today. So, heavenly Father, just thank you that you provided the ultimate example of forgiveness, and we come today, father, with hearts that have been wounded. We come to you carrying the scars of pain. Maybe it's words that have been spoken, maybe it's actions that have been done to us, maybe sometimes it's the silence that we feel, but we just come today and we know that you have seen all of these things. There's nothing that has taken place that you haven't seen, nothing is behind closed doors. So I know that you know the pain that we have felt. You know, in each and every one of our hearts, the forgiveness that has been offered. You know the struggles that we have. You know the deepest, darkest secrets of our heart, even things that we don't understand.
Speaker 3:And so today, father, we just simply say that we choose to take these things that have hindered us for so long and release them to you. We completely surrender them into your hands. We ask you to take the hurt and the pain and the bitterness and all of those things that have held us back. We just simply surrender those to you. We ask that you would help us to forgive, not because the people that have hurt us deserve it any more than we deserve forgiveness from you, the Lord. We pray that you would help us to forgive, because it's what you've called us to do and that it's what needs to happen in order for us to be set free from the bondage of that bitterness.
Speaker 3:And so, father, today we just simply say that we don't want to allow bitterness to have a seat at our table anymore, and so we just ask you to remove it, to take it. We pray that you would just fill us with wholeness, pray that you would fill us with peace and pray, father, that you would just fill us with your presence. And so today, father, we give all of these things to you and we just ask you to keep walking through this process with us. Lord, we just praise you because we know we serve a God who knows what it means to forgive, and so we ask that you would do these things in the name of Jesus.
Speaker 1:Amen. So if this episode spoke to you today, we would love to hear from you. We love hearing how these are impacting you and you know if, if they're helping you or other topics that you'd love for us to talk about, so we would love for you to reach out, we'd love for you to share your story. If there's something that you feel strongly about and you feel God speaking to you about, we would love to give you the platform to get that out, and so send us a message or just reach out to us. If this episode you think would help somebody else, please send it to them. We love just gaining new listeners, but we love more than anything helping people walk through some of the toughest times in their life, and if you're in a season of learning how to forgive without the closure that you wanted, please know that God is still working, and even in the silence.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and we've kind of focused a lot of this today on things from our past, but maybe you find yourself right now in a situation or relationship where there is bitterness brewing and you know that you need to forgive, but you're actively in that that place. Um, understand that these things that we've talked about today they, they apply even in that situation. So, um, until next time, we just want to be an encouragement to you and we want to encourage you to remember that love is worth it, even in the hard.
Speaker 1:God bless. Hey friend, thanks for listening. If you got something out of this episode, be sure to follow or subscribe to Love in the Hard on Apple Podcasts, spotify or wherever you listen, so you never miss a new episode. Please take time to leave a review, especially if you listen on Apple Podcasts. This will help more people access honest conversations about building lasting relationships, resilience through life's hardest moments and mindset shifts to overcome self-doubt.
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