Love In The Hard
Welcome to Love in the Hard – a podcast about resilience, faith, and finding strength through life’s toughest moments. Hosted by a couple who knows what it’s like to face struggles head-on, we dive into real stories of overcoming past trauma, navigating divorce, blending families, and rebuilding lives with God’s help. Together, we tackle tough topics like self-doubt, entrepreneurship, co-parenting, and how to build a relationship that stands strong through life’s storms.
Join us each week for heartfelt conversations, lessons learned, and the hope that God’s love can transform even the hardest situations. Whether you’re in a relationship, navigating a blended family, or simply looking to overcome personal challenges, this is your place to connect, grow, and find encouragement.
Tune in, share your journey, and discover how to find love, healing, and purpose – even in the hard.
Love In The Hard
Your Body Remembers What Your Mind Tries to Forget
Trauma doesn't simply fade away—it embeds itself in our bodies, manifesting as physical ailments, relationship patterns, and emotional responses long after the triggering events. In this deeply personal conversation, Patrick and Cindy Pistelli explore how our bodies literally hold onto past pain and how this stored trauma affects every aspect of our lives.
The discussion begins with a crucial distinction: trauma isn't defined by events themselves but by how our bodies process and respond to them. Cindy vulnerarily shares her experience of living in perpetual fight-or-flight mode—a state so constant that medical tests revealed her body never fully relaxes, even during sleep. Meanwhile, Patrick describes his tendency to freeze when triggered, preventing him from taking necessary action. These trauma responses create tangible health consequences from chronic pain and digestive issues to autoimmune conditions and severe fatigue.
Beyond physical manifestations, unhealed trauma dynamically reshapes our relationships. Many people unconsciously "unpack their baggage" in new relationships, creating cycles of mistrust, sabotage, and emotional withdrawal. This explains why second marriages often struggle and why some couples fight about the same issues for years without resolution. The Pistellis candidly acknowledge their own healing journeys, modeling the vulnerability they encourage in listeners.
The episode offers practical, faith-centered approaches to healing, including breathing exercises, scripture-based narrative reframing, physical movement, and prayer. Most powerfully, they remind listeners that everyone carries some form of trauma—whether "big T" or "little t"—and deserves patience and grace during their healing process. The healing journey may temporarily intensify symptoms as buried emotions surface, but breakthrough awaits those who persevere.
For anyone feeling trapped by their past or puzzled by persistent physical and emotional patterns, this episode offers both validation and hope. As Cindy beautifully summarizes: "You're not broken, you're healing. Trauma might have shaped your past, but it does not define your future." Ready to release what your body has been holding? Your healing journey can start today.
https://www.amazon.com/Heal-Your-Body-Louise-Hay/dp/0937611352
https://harborofhopellc.org/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/466839235913252
Hey friends, welcome to Love in the Heart, where we share our journey of resilience, faith and transformation, diving into raw real-life challenges like overcoming past trauma, self-doubt and building a strong, loving family, all with the hope of inspiring others to see God's hand in their own stories.
Speaker 2:We are Patrick and Cindy Pistelli, and we are here to remind you that you are not alone. There's hope even when life feels tough.
Speaker 1:So grab a seat and let's get real. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Love in the Hard. Last week, we touched on the topic of trauma and how that affects you, how that can show up later in your life, and we also touched on what trauma isn't.
Speaker 3:So I think it is important for us to reiterate this this week before we move into what we're going to talk about a little more today, and that is that the trauma is not a function of an event that takes place in your life. It may be a function of many events that take place in your life over a period of time, but it's not the event that is important. It's the way that your body reacts to that particular stimulus in your life, the way that it changes the way that we see the world around us, the way that it changes the way that we view other people and sometimes even the way that we view ourselves. That is really what the epitome of trauma is and that is what we want to pinpoint today, and that is kind of what we want to help you to walk through, as we share the way that we've walked through that in our lives as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So today I want to get into how trauma shows up in your life, because unresolved trauma it doesn't just sit there, it actually shows up in your life. Because unresolved trauma it doesn't just sit there, it actually shows up in different ways. So most of the time when you least expect it this is one that I deal with a lot and I am working overcoming it but it shows up in your nervous system so you can have nervous system overload. So this this can feel like you're always on edge, just like you're waiting for something to go wrong or just difficulty relaxing, even in calm moments, and this one is the one I struggle with the most is constant fight or flight mode, so your body is always bracing for impact. I went to a doctor recently and had some tests run and they said you are in fight or flight nonstop. Even when you're asleep you are constantly in fight or flight. Your body never, ever relaxes and so my body is just constantly on hyper overdrive, no matter what I do.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and there's actually another element to that. We tend to think of fight or flight, like when you come to a situation where you are maybe faced with a bear Not that this has ever happened to me, but I can only imagine what that would be like and you have the tendency to either fight for your life or to run for your life. But there's another element, and that is freeze, fight, flight or freeze, and freeze is where I tend to get stuck. It will keep me from doing things. The trauma that I've experienced in the past. It will not allow me to fight for something, it won't allow me to run, but what it will do is it will cause me just to completely freeze and not do the things that need to be done. So this nervous system overload is a really I know, I know, hon, this is something that you really really deal with all the time that your, your body, is always in this fight or flight. Your body is always in fight or flight. You really don't have the freeze mode. You're always in fight or flight, and what that can do is that can impact our health. It has an actual physical impact on us. It can cause gut problems, bloating, ibs, stomach pain, because your gut is deeply connected to stress, and I will always remember that when I was in my early 20s I had a lot of stomach issues and I won't go into all the details of all those stomach issues, but there were things that I struggled with with my stomach and I went to doctor after doctor after doctor and I remember I finally went to a doctor my stomach. And I went to doctor after doctor after doctor and I remember I finally went to a doctor and as he was talking to me, he asked me if I was a Christian and I said, well, yeah, and I thought that was a strange question for a doctor to ask me. And then he went on and he said, but have you ever really truly surrendered yourself to Christ? And I was like I'm not sure what that really means. I'd never really been taught that. And so I went back and I was like I'm not sure what that really means. I'd never really been taught that. And so I went back and I spent some time praying about it, and it wasn't much longer that I went to a service and it was a Sunday night and I went to the pastor's house afterwards and I was like listen, pastor. He was surprised because I was helping to lead the youth group at this time and you know he was like what are you, what can I do for you? And I said I don't think I've ever truly been saved. And so that night I totally gave my life to Christ.
Speaker 3:And it's amazing because it's like there was this stress that was on my body and from that moment on, those stomach issues basically disappeared. It can result in chronic pain and I know, hon, this is something that you really really struggle with. Chronic pain in the neck, the shoulders and the hips is where trauma tends to get stuck in our bodies. It can cause autoimmune issues because long-term stress is going to weaken your immune system and it can actually cause your body to begin to fight against itself in an effort to overcome what it is dealing with. And then migraines, exhaustion or sleep struggles If your body isn't able to shut down properly. If even when you are in bed, you and you're supposed to be sleeping your body is still in fight or flight mode, your body has not taken the opportunity to recover and to heal the way that God designed our bodies to recover or heal.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So this has been a huge problem for me. Just all of these, every single one of these, except the migraines. I don't struggle with migraines, but both of my parents have dealt with this. I lost my dad to colon cancer and it makes me wonder, honestly, if, if it was linked to stress. I know there was a lot of stress going on at the time and you know, over time that can really impact us in a major, major way. Stress is one of the biggest factors for just all the all the different health issues.
Speaker 1:But when it comes to autoimmune issues, I know I was told again that I have an autoimmune disease. They didn't say what it was. Basically, he said I don't name them, I just treat them. So I have all the symptoms of the autoimmune disease, but we don't actually know what it is. So I can't really figure out how to treat it other than get rid of the trauma that's in my body. And that's not an easy thing to do, especially when you don't even realize what it is, where it is, things like that, and I had. You know, we've said this before. If people don't want to get past their trauma, it's like okay, well, pick an organ. Where would you like to store this, because it doesn't matter what the trauma is when your body reacts to it. It's going to store it somewhere and you know that that's going to affect you majorly later in life.
Speaker 3:So there's actually a great book on this particular topic. It is called the Body Keeps the Score. So if this is something that you think you may be struggling with, I would encourage you to get a copy of that book, read it, listen to it on Audible. However, it is that you think you may be struggling with, I would encourage you to get a copy of that book, read it, listen to it on Audible.
Speaker 1:However, it is that you listen to books and and see if maybe there are some things in there that can help you with this as well. Yeah, so another way trauma can just affect your life is showing up in relationship struggles maybe, where you don't trust somebody very easily or, you know, even when they've done nothing wrong, you just really struggle to trust them or you sabotage your relationship before someone can hurt you. I know this is really big. A lot of people will get into a relationship and they basically take all the trauma, all the hurt from the last relationship and just bring it into the next one. So you know obviously you've heard the term they carry baggage with them and they literally do. They just pick up their bags, take it into the new relationship and just unpack them. And so, even when that person hasn't done anything, in your mind they have, and so you're constantly protecting yourself, just just waiting for that to happen.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think that this is probably a really big issue when it comes to marriages, particularly second marriages, and I know we talked about this in the last episode. But I think it's one of the greatest reasons that those second marriages, the failure rate is so high on those, because we bring that baggage in and we don't ever actually take care of it. And it's worse when you have both sides of the relationship that are bringing these things in and we just don't know how to deal with them. Sometimes it causes us to feel unseen or worthy in that relationship itself, which really causes us to question if people really love us or not. And then small things in our marriage they can trigger big reactions like an overreaction to a situation, and that's because those old wounds are still open. We've never really taken the time to heal those old wounds and so when it is triggered, the reaction is much greater than probably what it warrants.
Speaker 1:And I can say on this one, it can show up even many years down the road. You could have the same argument over and, over and over, and if you're still having the same argument, still arguing about the you know whatever it was five years ago, then it's really a good time to take a look at where you're storing trauma and how you're storing that, because you clearly haven't gotten over it.
Speaker 3:So unresolved trauma doesn't just impact individuals or those in a relationship, which is where we've spent most of our time focusing, but it also has an impact on communities. It can impact families, it can impact workplaces, it can impact churches. Listen, this is a big one. There are so many people that have suffered church hurt throughout the years that they have no desire to be any part of an organized body of believers, and that's really a shame on the church that we have not handled things the way that they should have been handled, and I'm sure that in my life there have been times that I have been a part of that and I sincerely apologize to anyone that has been hurt as a result of that, but it causes people to be afraid, to be vulnerable, because they've been hurt before. It will cause leaders to operate from fear and control instead of love and grace. In other words, it will cause people to drive instead of to lead, and this is a conversation that we had with Clara and Annalie on the way on our last vacation.
Speaker 3:As we were driving down the road, we had this conversation about husbands being the spiritual leaders of their homes, and guys, we don't always do a good job of being the spiritual leader. We will do a good job of being the spiritual driver. We will drive our family where we want them to go. But someone who leads goes first, and that's what God has called us to do. He's called us to be the head of the home, which means we are supposed to go first so that we blaze the trail for those that are coming after us. And it can also result in a cycle of judgment and gossip, because we tend to have the tendency to project our own pain onto other people.
Speaker 1:So, going back again to how trauma can be trapped in the body, louise Hay had a great book and I cannot remember the name of it right now, but basically We'll find it and we will put that in the notes at the bottom of the show.
Speaker 1:Yeah and, but basically it talks about when you're dealing with certain issues. So say it's in the gut. If you always had to hold everything in so you never actually were able to speak. You know sometimes this with kids parents still hold the idea that you know kids should be seen and not heard. So if you always had to just hold everything in, you weren't ever allowed to get the emotions out. You might really struggle with digestion issues or maybe it's even in your throat so you weren't allowed this again. You weren't allowed to speak up as a kid. So you might get sore throats often or have thyroid issues or even if it's in the heart, if you've experienced deep loss or betrayal, you might actually just feel chest tightness or even heart palpitations, so it can really show up in your body.
Speaker 3:Yeah, your body doesn't just remember the trauma, it actually holds on to it. So the question now is how do we release that trauma and how do we heal, because nobody wants to carry this around with us for the rest of our lives. It's a proven fact that stress increases the aging process. So you know, it's a multimillion dollar industry to figure out how to slow the aging process. And here's the answer, right here it is healing from trauma and stress. So how do we do that? Well, I can tell you it doesn't just happen by talking about trauma. It happens when we process it and release it. So we're going to share with you just a few effective, faith-based ways to heal from trauma.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so one thing you can do is breathing and grounding exercises. So deep breathing just helps reset your nervous system and helps you to calm anxiety, and grounding techniques like standing outside on the grass barefoot can really bring you back to the present.
Speaker 3:Another way that we can help to release the trauma is to change the narrative. So trauma often comes from the meaning that we attach to an event. That goes back to what we were saying earlier about how it's the way that we process an event. It's the way that we deal with it or don't deal with an event, and so reframing will help us to see that event differently, so that it no longer holds that power over you. And, scripturally speaking, this comes in the scripture that tells us to think on those things that are good and are lovely and are pure and are true and are right the scriptures in the book of Philippians.
Speaker 3:This is such a powerful method to help overcome these things, and the scriptures also teach us that we are to take our thoughts captive, because we have a tendency to be overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts and many times that's a result of trauma that we've experienced in our past.
Speaker 3:If you have experienced betrayal or infidelity in your past, there may be some things that were common to that previous betrayal, that when you see your new partner do those same things, even though they've done nothing to give you the impression that they're going to be unfaithful to you, it still has a tendency to flood our minds and to flood our hearts with these thoughts of that happened before. That must be what's going on this time as well, when in reality that's not the case at all. So to listen to what the scriptures say and to take those thoughts captive and to focus on the truth, because the Bible tells us that it is the truth that is going to set us free, so we can change the narrative and focus on truth instead of focusing on the lie that previous experiences have taught us.
Speaker 1:So speaking truth over yourself can rewire the belief that you're not good enough. So trauma has a way to rewrite your identity, making you feel like you're not enough. So some scripture that you could look to I am fearfully and wonderfully made, which is Psalms 139, 14. And just remember, you are not your past, you are who God says you are.
Speaker 3:I think it's also important to understand that the scriptures tell us to speak the truth in love, and that means speaking the truth in love about ourselves. Cindy touched on this a little bit in the last episode about loving the body. Have you ever just told your body? Thank you for what it does for me? We have a tendency to hate ourselves because of the trauma that we've experienced, to hate ourselves because of the trauma that we've experienced, and it causes us not to speak the truth and not to speak the truth in love. So speak the truth in love about who the scriptures say you are. Another method that we can use to release the trauma is movement and physical release. Trauma we've already talked about this has a tendency to get stored in the body, so movement is key. Walking, stretching and even simple movements can help to release that emotional pain that we're feeling.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Another way is prayer and inner healing. You know, trauma isn't just physical or emotional, it can also be spiritual. So really getting into prayer, asking God to you, know, heal this for you. If you're really really struggling, you know, pray that that he'll intervene and take over. So just inviting God into your healing process is really really key to full restoration.
Speaker 3:So I think along those lines also of prayer and inner healing is the scriptures teach us that it's by his stripes that we are healed and we tend to take that scripture and say that is our spiritual healing, that Jesus died on the cross so that we can be healed spiritually and that we can spend an eternity with him. But I think the sacrifice that he gave on the cross was so much more than just the power of sin and death over us. It's the power that sin has over our lives and sin has a tendency to impact us in the way that we think about ourselves and in the way that we see the world. So it's by his stripes we are healed from our trauma and and really if we want to experience true release and healing from our trauma, it is only going to come when we allow Christ to do that work in us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so another way how to recognize trauma in others. So you know, we can obviously most of the time recognize trauma in ourself, but how about recognizing it in someone else? How about recognizing it in your partner and allowing grace when, when this starts to come up? So if you see someone who's just really stuck in that cycle of fear or self doubt, you know they may have just trauma that hasn't been dealt with. And so some of the ways you can really help them are and this is so important listen without judgment.
Speaker 1:I think so many times people they want to help and maybe they've experienced something and this is what worked for them. And so when somebody tries to open up to them and really share how they're feeling, somebody else says and they don't mean to do it, it's not in a judgmental way, but it worked for them. So this should work for you. So listen without judgment, just listen. Sometimes that's all somebody needs is somebody to really listen to them and really encourage healing. Don't force this.
Speaker 1:Everyone heals in their own way, and if you try to force somebody to heal on your terms, all you're really doing is setting them back.
Speaker 1:So it's not as simple for somebody who's really dealt with a lot of trauma, especially that big T trauma, and for somebody else maybe who hasn't experienced that, they're kind of just like, well, it's in the past, just move on.
Speaker 1:You know, we all think of that scene from the Lion King where you know he hits him on the head and he says, well, it's in the past, don't worry about it, and that's, that's true, it is in the past. But when you are really struggling and it is stuck in your body somewhere and you don't know how to heal that and you don't know how to get past it, for somebody to just say it's in the past, just move on, that's that's really not going to go over well, and it's not going to help them. It's not going to help heal them at all but speak life over them, remind them that they aren't their trauma. So I think sometimes just somebody being able to encourage you and speak life over you, sometimes when you can't, can be very helpful. But make sure you do it in a way that's not I know this sounds weird, but not condescending, because sometimes you can actually trigger something in them, because sometimes you can actually trigger something in them just by the way that you say something.
Speaker 3:Healing happens in safe spaces, so be a safe space and I'm also going to add here be willing, if other people see trauma responses in you, to receive that, because I know there's a lot of times we can see the trauma within ourselves, but there are a lot of times that trauma is present in our lives and we don't even recognize it. I know that you and I have spent a lot of time having conversations about trauma and my response has always been I don't need to worry about that. I don't have any trauma in my life. But when I really take the time to look back and see some of the things that I've experienced, I can see that there are things in my life whether they were single events or they were a culmination of events that have impacted the way that I view the world be open, if someone sees a trauma response to to entertain that thought and take the steps necessary to heal as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'm going to just add on to that Everybody has trauma in their life, everybody. You will never come across a person who can be like, oh, I've literally never had anything happen to me, because that's just not a reality. We've all had something, whether it's big T or little t, you know where. Maybe it's not the big T trauma where you haven't had somebody you know they really close to you pass away or something like that, or an abuse or whatever, but you do have the little t trauma where it just adds up over time. We all have something.
Speaker 1:So, you know, my thing is approach everyone with grace. We have no idea what somebody is dealing with. We have no idea what they're going through. Somebody can look you straight in the face and smile and you'll think they're fine. I am very good about this.
Speaker 1:I have always had to wear several hats, so it's very easy for me to look at you and just smile and you will never know that I'm dealing with something so major in my life, because I don't allow people to see that it's something that I'm working on.
Speaker 1:It's something that I, you know, really spend a lot of time working on, but it's a process and so just have grace with people, and when something happens that maybe seems out of the ordinary or that just seems out of character, or maybe they're just having a bad day or something's really bothering them, it's really important to just love on them in that moment, not tell them to just get over it.
Speaker 1:One of the other things that I really want to talk about because this is very, very important is when you start doing the healing work, when you start confronting the trauma from your past or what is stuck in your body, you are going to have a lot that comes up and it's going to make you want to stop, it's going to make you want to throw in the towel, it's going to make you want to run the other way, and so I just want to encourage you that healing is on the other side of that, and so you might walk through some really heavy times, and the idea here, when you're doing the healing work, isn't to recreate the past or walk through what you felt at the time, but it truly is to be able to move forward and to be able to just get through life with ease and be able to see the world a little bit different, because when you look at the world through the lens process.
Speaker 3:Understand that it is important for you to really show patience, to show grace and to just simply be there for that other person as they go through this healing. Because I promise you, once they've moved through that process and the healing has begun to take place, you're going to see your relationship grow to heights that you never imagined possible.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I mean this can this can show up in different ways. Just, we had recently where you know I'm actively going through healing on trauma. So I know we don't we don't tend to share our open wounds, we share our scars, and so we have talked about several things from our past. But I am actively going through this right now because I'm going through the coaching certification for for trauma, and so a lot has been brought up and you know, for myself, I've had a lot of issues over the past year pop up. I'm not where I was just a year ago, I'm not where I want to be, and so physically that is, and it's hard. And so recently, you know, we had just a time where you know I was really struggling through that and you know, even though we we get on here, we talk about it, these are real life things for us as well and things that we are going through, and so it's very easy for us to relate to other people because we're going through it ourself.
Speaker 1:But you know it was just a situation where I didn't feel comfortable in what I was wearing. We had to go to a dinner and dress up and you know, the outfit that I had brought didn't fit, and so it created a lot of emotion. It created a lot of just hurt and made me want to just shut down and so I wasn't going to go. But I decided that I was, I was going to go and so I got through that. And you know I'm glad that I went because I ended up having a really good night. But then the trauma hit me later in a physical way so it ended up making me sick later on because I was trying to hold it in earlier in the day.
Speaker 3:Yeah, sometimes the physical effects show up first and then the emotional shows up later. I know, dear, that you've been through some times here recently where you've you have been in so much pain physically that it has made it difficult for you to even get up and to get out of bed, and what that results in is it results in symptoms of depression that come along with that. And then there are times, like you were talking about here recently, where it is the emotional response first that leads to something physical as well. So again, if you're the one that is there as the support system, be just that. Make sure that that person in your life knows that they are important. Make sure that they know that you are there for them and make sure that you are there to listen, not just to hear.
Speaker 3:I sometimes struggle listening. I hear, but I don't always listen. Make sure that you are there to listen to them so that you can get an idea of where they are. So if all of this today hit home for you, please know this You're not broken, you're healing. It breaks my heart to hear people say that they are so broken that they can never be put back together, and that is just not true? Trauma might have shaped your past, but it does not define your future.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So if you're ready to take that next step, whether it's working through old wounds, whether it's breaking the patterns that you know don't serve you anymore, or even if it's just stepping into the confidence that God has for you, we would love to hear from you and we would love to help walk you through this.
Speaker 3:Your healing. It starts today, so thank you for being a part of this journey that we are going on. It's our prayer that it has been a blessing to you. Don't be afraid to reach out to us on Facebook at Love in the Hard. We've got a community there of people that have experienced things that are tough, and we just want to be there to continue to walk through this journey with you, and so until next time, remember love is worth it, even in the hard.
Speaker 1:God bless hey friend, thanks for listening. If you got something out of this episode, remember love is worth it. Overcome self-doubt.
Speaker 2:And if you're really feeling it, go ahead and screenshot this episode on your phone and share it on social media. Tag us at Loving the Hard on Facebook and Instagram and we'll be sure to reshare your post. Thanks again for listening. We'll see you next time.