Love In The Hard

When Pain Gets Stuck: Understanding True Trauma vs. Everyday Hardship

• Cindi and Patrick Pistelli • Season 1 • Episode 10

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Trauma is often misunderstood and misused in everyday language, encompassing far more than just big, obvious events and including how our bodies and minds respond when pain gets stuck. We break down the difference between genuine trauma and everyday hardships, exploring how unresolved trauma manifests in our relationships, self-perception, and faith.

• Emotional neglect creates adults who struggle to trust their own emotions
• Conditional love in childhood leads to perfectionism and constant approval-seeking
• Comparison trauma teaches us to suppress authenticity and feel we must prove we belong
• Betrayal in relationships creates hypervigilance and fear of abandonment
• Trauma gets physically stuck in the body, changing how we operate until we address it
• Healing begins with acknowledging pain and understanding someone else's actions don't define your worth
• Setting boundaries is crucial after betrayal as trust must be earned
• Speaking truth over yourself breaks the cycle of negative self-talk

Join us next week as we continue this conversation about trauma and explore its physical impact on our bodies. Remember, Love is worth it, even in the hard.


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Speaker 1:

Hey friends, welcome to Love in the Heart, where we share our journey of resilience, faith and transformation, diving into raw real-life challenges like overcoming past trauma, self-doubt and building a strong, loving family, all with the hope of inspiring others to seek God's hand in their own stories.

Speaker 2:

We are Patrick and Cindy Pistelli, and we are here to remind you that you are not alone. There's hope even when life feels tough.

Speaker 1:

So grab a seat and let's get real. Hey friends, welcome back to Loving the Hard. So today we want to talk about something that gets thrown around a lot, and that is the word trauma. It is everywhere, right. So people say things like that was so traumatic when they have a rough day, or I have trauma from you know, fill in the blank about something that happened that's uncomfortable. So don't get me wrong here Trauma is very, very real and it deeply affects people. But not every hard or painful experience is trauma, and when we use the word too loosely, we can actually miss what trauma really is and how it impacts our lives if it's left unresolved.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So today we're going to break it down for you. We're going to talk about what trauma actually is and what it isn't, how that unresolved trauma shows up in your life, in your body, your relationships and sometimes even your faith. How it gets trapped in the body, and why that matters, and how do we heal and move forward in a way that is actually effective.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So what I want to be kind of clear on right now is the fact that trauma is not just the event that happened. It's actually how your body and your mind respond to it, so it's what causes it to get stuck. So trauma isn't just about the big, obvious trauma so that's called big T trauma Things like abuse, war, tragic loss. It can also come from things like emotional neglect, where you never really had that feeling of being seen or feeling heard.

Speaker 2:

So what does this look like? It can be that your feelings were just dismissed. So maybe you were sad or upset and you were told it's not really that big a deal, or you're so dramatic. Maybe you were told you're just too sensitive. Or maybe you were excited about something and the response you got from other people was just a nonchalant, that's nice. Or other people have bigger things going on and that can really impact us because as we move further into our journey, that can cause us to struggle to trust our own emotions, can cause us to feel guilty for expressing any kind of emotion, sadness, joy, whatever it might be. It will cause us to bottle things up instead of sharing. So these are all things that it's not the big T trauma that we think of, but this is one of those things that it is cumulative and trauma works that way. It can be cumulative, it accumulates over time. So maybe you know, these things just happen continuously and that can definitely impact the way we view ourselves and the way we view the world around us.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think this is one that actually comes up so so much for people because of the way they were brought up or you know, maybe you know where something that they're excited about just gets dismissed and it becomes kind of a pattern in their life that whenever something goes right for me, nobody cares. So it's very important, I think, to you know, just be very mindful of this when we're raising our own kids, and the things that we say to them or that we acknowledge where they're excited or when they've done something really well, that we really take the time to acknowledge that with them.

Speaker 2:

So sometimes this shows up. If we grew up in a critical home where maybe love felt conditional Maybe that's not the case, maybe it wasn't conditional, but it seemed conditional that can create some really deep wounds, even if there wasn't anything that was outright offensive. But the words that are spoken over us as children, they shape the way that we see ourselves. It impacts the way that we interact in our relationships, how we handle failure or success as an adult. So we're going to talk about some ways here that this shows up in our families, and I'll just tell you before we really get into this that if you experience this, it very well may not be intentional. I have been very, very guilty of several of those things in raising our children. It wasn't intentional, always had great intentions, but I never really took the time to think about the impact that that was having on on any of the kids. So you want to kind of share with us, dear, some of the ways that this shows up in our families.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, certain things that will come up. One of feeling like you were never good enough. So when parents are constantly pointing out, you know what we did wrong, instead of you know, praising what we did right. So, no matter what it is, it's like oh yeah, that was great, but this is what you did wrong, you know. Or you know you get a 90% on a test which you're really excited about and you bring it home but instead of hearing, oh, great job, that's wonderful, you hear, well, why didn't you get 100%?

Speaker 1:

So, basically, little things here and there that just remind you that you don't feel good enough. You know you're. What you're doing is not good enough. You need to be better. So being told things like nothing you ever did was special or worth celebrating because somebody else had something bigger that they did. So this can show up later in your life, uh, in certain ways. So it will show up in perfectionism or fear of failure. You don't want to fail. You don't want to do anything wrong, because you feel like if you mess up, that that's it, it's over, it's not good enough, constantly seeking approval from others but never actually feeling satisfied or feeling like you'll never measure up, no matter how much you achieve, it's never good enough. You could make a million dollars a year and it still wouldn't be good enough, and I think for me.

Speaker 2:

I have said in other episodes that I definitely have struggled with the idea of feeling like I wasn't good enough, and I don't remember my parents ever doing anything to make me feel that way. Specifically they weren't critical of me, but I definitely have been critical of our kids, and Tanner would home, um, or we'd get in the car after a baseball game and it got to the point that we couldn't talk about the game because it would inevitably end up with me telling him he did a good job. But you know, on this one play, if you would have just taken one more step and got in front of that ball, you wouldn't have had to backhand it and it wouldn't have taken a bad bounce. And you know, it was those little things like that. And I'll never forget the day that he told me he's like Dad, I know what I did wrong. You don't have to remind me and that was kind of a wake up call to me, and I know I did that with the other kids too. But I think Tanner probably bore the brunt of that.

Speaker 2:

I think that I've probably gotten better. At least I've tried to make a conscious effort to spend more time praising. My justification was I'm just given some constructive criticism because I want them to be the best that they can be, and so my intentions were good. But if that's not how it's received, then it has the potential to cause these impacts later in life.

Speaker 2:

And what it really does is it causes our love to feel conditional. It's like praise and affection only came when you performed well or you had to earn love by achieving something getting good grades, being a good athlete, being involved in your church and if you messed up, you felt emotionally rejected, ignored or punished. And that can cause us, as we get older, to really struggle to believe that people really love us, just simply for who we are. So we always spend this time trying to earn the love of other people instead of just accepting the fact that they love me causes anxiety in relationships, because it gives us this feeling that if I'm not useful and if I'm not good enough, then people are going to leave, and it'll also cause us to really go overboard. In order to gain validation, we just need people to tell us that we are good, and it causes us honestly to go out and to seek attention.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, another way is just high expectations that create anxiety. Grew up in a home and you know I've talked to parents and you know we say it without thinking and you know we're like, oh yeah, my firstborn did this, that and the other. And then my secondborn came and, oh man, that was a challenge. And we say these things not meaning anything bad by it. But you know, know, if you're always expected to be the good kid or the responsible one or um, you know, whatever it was, or failure wasn't an option for you, you know. You, you didn't have any of that space to express emotions. You, you couldn't be sad, you couldn't be angry. You know you were just expected to be good and obedient and you were rewarded for that. So, you know, if you did show any vulnerability, you were met with. You know, stop being so dramatic, just or toughen up. You know, whatever that looks like.

Speaker 1:

I know I have definitely been guilty of this with my kids, because my oldest and my youngest are 14 years apart and so when I had my oldest, she was, you know, my kids are just very different personalities. So I have one that was always, you know, did what she was told very organized and very neat. Everything was always in, you know, did what she was told very um, organized and very neat. Everything was always in its spot. Every you know she would organize the, the creamers when we'd go out to eat, and so everything was just always very organized. She got good grades, you know things like that, and so I knew I could trust her with with quite a bit.

Speaker 1:

And then when my youngest one came along, just a totally different personality, you know she's outgoing and she's, you know she's like me, she's a talker, she's, you know she makes friends easily different things like that, and you know they're very different as far as just personality traits and things that they do. And so I know that, without even thinking, I've been critical of, you know, maybe comparing the two without meaning to compare them, and that definitely could give high expectations of what they need to measure up to or try to be somebody that they're not, which you know I've seen create anxiety in them, and so obviously I never meant to do that. But looking back I can definitely see where that happened.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I never really experienced that much because I was the one that set the high expectations. My sister would tell you otherwise, but I mean I was. I was the good kid and so I set the expectations for everyone else. But so what that does when, when we're constantly compared to others and this, by the way, doesn't have to just be in a family relationship, it doesn't have to just be parents, it can be siblings doing this, it can be well-meaning aunts and uncles or grandparents or friends or teachers, it can be any number of people. And again, it's the cumulative effect of hearing other people say these things. But that constant comparison to others can cause us to suppress our emotions, to feel guilty or weak when we need some help. It can really cause us to struggle with imposter syndrome, because if we've always been compared to somebody else, then we never really feel like we're enough. It'll cause us to compare ourselves to others and to feel like we always choose the people who are at a better place than we are.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we definitely take a look at their highlight reel. That's what I always say. Like people always put out their highlight reel, that's a good way to put it. And they don't really, you know, show the struggles that they had to get there. So you know we might be that they had to get there. So you know we might be looking at their day 10,000 when we're on day two.

Speaker 2:

So and we also thank you for putting it that way, cause I was struggling with trying to figure out how to get those words out. You know, one of the biggest culprits in this is Facebook. We will look on Facebook and we will see the life that other people are living on Facebook and it'll really cause're not going to post the struggles. So it can really be dangerous to do that, and so it really makes you feel like you always have to prove yourself, constantly trying to prove that you belong.

Speaker 1:

So another one is criticism that feels personal. It's not constructive. So this could look like, instead of hearing oh, I don't know. That mistake doesn't define you.

Speaker 1:

You heard you're so lazy, or being told things like you'll never amount to anything, or you always screw things up. Sometimes parents use shame instead of guidance and you should be ashamed of yourself. I'm sure that's without meaning it. We have all either heard this or done this at some point in our lives. And again it's like I was saying earlier. You know we don't mean for these things to come out that way, but sometimes, you know, especially as parents, we can have had a really long, hectic day and then something happens and we do not handle it well, and you know this can show up later in life.

Speaker 1:

Just harsh self talk, because that's all you ever heard. You always heard how you were screwed up. You always heard how you just didn't do things right, and so your inner voice just plays that over and over and over and that's all you hear. So it could give you a fear of trying new things, because you just automatically assume that no matter what you do, you're going to fail, or any mistake that you make means you're a failure. It's not that you just made a mistake. It's who you are. You're a failure because you messed up. So a lot of these things are so damaging to people and, like I said, most of the time people don't always realize they're doing it. Some do, some are just chronic, but most of the time people don't realize they're doing these things.

Speaker 2:

Chronic, but most of the time, people don't realize they're doing these things. So for this entire section here, we've been talking about the things that really cause us to feel like we've not truly been seen or heard. And I know when you and I have some discussions of some discussions, that is one of the things that often comes up is you say, I just want to be heard, I just want to know that you're listening to what I'm saying. And I know you've had conversations with other people and they've said I want to be seen, I just want to be seen.

Speaker 2:

And those are actually responses of trauma. It causes us to feel invisible or like we don't matter in our relationships. It can cause us to always put other people first, even to our own detriment. And I know you have a story dear about some things. It was a training or something that you went to years and years ago and you had sticks and you had to give them to people in the lifeboat. So I'm going to mess up the story, so I'm going to let you share that with us here today.

Speaker 1:

Oh boy, that was a long time ago I went to this thing and it was called Beyond your Best. So basically, what they did is they put you in situations to see how you react to them, so that you can recognize how you react in just various situations. So they actually ended up putting us in quite a few different scenarios and, like the whole time, we were there for a week and we had hardly had any sleep. You know they do that so that your emotions are high, like it's all part of the plan. But you know, I went the whole week and didn't have anything that came up for me, nothing. I just literally was able to withstand everything that was thrown my way and which is because of, you know, being a young mom and having to go through a lot of things and all that I learned to just be able to brush things off and just get through it and not even worry about it.

Speaker 1:

Well, we got to this one point and it was called the lifeboat, and so the idea was they gave you three popsicle sticks and you were to hand your sticks away to whoever you wanted in the lifeboat. So throughout this whole week we were partnered with somebody. So we had a partner and you did most of your things with that partner or you collaborated with your partner, whatever that was, and anyway, at the end of it. So I realized like I handed all three of my sticks out to people, and what I realized from that is I didn't keep one for myself, I didn't put myself in the lifeboat and I didn't include my partner.

Speaker 1:

So what I learned from that is I put everyone else above myself and my partner. We didn't make it in the lifeboat and, um, you know the way the the way it was designed was they would come up and at that point they're basically screaming at you like why would you do that, you know. And then it. Then I've never been in the military but you hear they break you down to build you up, and that's kind of how that was. They were really breaking you down at that moment and so once you finally cracked, then all of a sudden they come in and they're loving you and they're showing you why that's important and why you know how that, how you do that throughout your life. So it was just a incredible picture of for myself how I do things and always putting someone else above myself, and I would love to say that I learned from that, but I didn't. I still do it.

Speaker 2:

That's a really powerful example, and the danger in that, or the challenge that we face, is that it's easy for us to say well, it's just because you have such a huge heart and that's true of you, dear you have a huge heart, and so I don't want to give people the wrong idea and say that if you're always helping other people, then that's a trauma response and you are in need of healing because we should be helping other people. So that's not the focus of this. The focus, though, is when we help other people to the detriment of ourselves, when we forget about our health, when we forget about our needs, when we forget about the things that we have to do. You know, when you're on an airplane and they do that safety demonstration at the beginning, that everybody pays all the attention to you know, and they say in the event of a cabin depressurization, the oxygen masks are going to drop down and make sure you put yours on first before you take care of anybody else, and our natural inclination is I want to take care of my kids first, but the reality is, if there is a pressure drop in the cabin, by the time you get it on your kids, it might be too late. You might already have passed out from the lack of oxygen.

Speaker 2:

So it's not that it's bad to help other people, it's that we need to make sure that we are also taking care of ourselves, taking care of ourselves. So you know, in this first portion here we've been talking about one of the types of trauma that we face is this cumulative trauma, where we don't necessarily have one specific thing, that it happens over time. And now I think we're going to jump into some things that are more like hey, this was an event that took place, and again, it's not the event that is the trauma, it's the way that our bodies respond to the event. So this one, I think, is probably big and this one really impacts a lot of areas of our lives, but definitely in relationships, and that is betrayal in a relationship.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So this one can show up obviously in infidelity. So you have emotional or physical infidelity. So you know whether you were in a relationship and your partner cheated on you, whether that was a one-time thing, whether that was a long-term affair, obviously that was a huge impact in your relationship. So they emotionally connected with somebody else in the way that should have been reserved for just you.

Speaker 1:

And some of you have been in a relationship I've been in a relationship like this where they completely denied it. They truly made you just feel crazy that you were even suspecting something. So they basically kind of turn it around on you and, you know, just make you feel like what? What you're saying isn't even accurate and you start to actually believe that lie, that maybe you are going crazy. So ways this can show up later in life is you have a fear of being cheated on again. Even if you're in a safe relationship, that fear is always there. You're always just kind of waiting Like well, it started out good before and then here's where we ended up. So you're kind of always just waiting for that to happen. Or you know how, about constantly checking their phone or questioning their actions I I don't even look at your phone.

Speaker 2:

And I don't check yours either.

Speaker 1:

That's just something in our relationship we don't do. We have it available for one another. If either of us ever wanted to look at the other person's phone, like it's 100% like, here you go. We probably take each other's phone all the time and sometimes I'll work on your phone, you'll work on mine or whatever, but it's always available. So that's something that we actually don't have and we both have that trauma in our life, so I'm thankful that we don't have that. Another way this can show up for people is just feeling like you'll never be enough for someone to stay faithful to you. I know for myself this has shown up definitely in I've just always felt second, never felt like the you know, the number one person. It was always second.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I think maybe we'll talk about this later in this episode or maybe in another episode entirely we'll touch on this more. But I think it's really important for us to understand that if you are not the one who has experienced the trauma, then you need to be very careful about the way that you approach these things with your significant other that is experiencing this or has experienced it. So you know our phones are both. You know an open book and you're always welcome to look at it and you know you're not going to find anything on it. But that's important for the other person to be able to feel safe. And again, even though you may not have anything to worry about, it doesn't mean that there aren't going to be those triggers that are going to pop up from time to time. So it can also be a result of being lied to or deceived, and I know that goes along with the infidelity portion, because obviously there's going to be dishonesty and deceit that is going on there as well. But this is maybe a little bit different. Maybe it wasn't actually inf you know infidelity that was taking place, but maybe it was just that. You know they told you they were one person, but over time, you came to find out that you know that wasn't the reality at all, that that it was an act that they were putting on in order to win you over. And then once, once you know you get them in so far, then well, now I I don't have to keep up this charade anymore.

Speaker 2:

Maybe they hid things from you Money addition, money additions. Wouldn't it be awesome if we were hiding money additions? How about money issues? How about money issues? Hiding money issues or even hiding money from one another, and this can really cause problems. So addictions or parts of their past hiding those things from you as well. Or maybe they made promises to you that you know they never intended to keep. So what this does to impact us is, I mean, it'll cause us to struggle to trust people's words, even when they seem honest, and so, basically, we are constantly second guessing what someone really means, and that's that's a problem. When we can't just trust what people say, we have to look for the meaning behind the words, and sometimes that's necessary. But this will cause you to do it to an extreme level where it doesn't matter what they say. We're able to find an ulterior motive behind what it is that their words said, or it'll make you feel like you have to protect yourself because you can't trust anyone.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. The next one is abandonment. You maybe have somebody who left you when you needed them the most. And this is actually bringing up something for me that we didn't talk about during our miscarriage episode, but I'm just gonna touch on it real quick, and it was. It was a situation where it was our very first miscarriage together and we were very newly married we had only been married two months and so there was a lot going on as far as trying to blend the family. There was a lot going on with the kids and their world being turned upside down and just things changing and, you know, trying to keep normalcy. But then here we're going through this major life change and it's something that was very, very difficult. And so it just so happened that the miscarriage happened around Memorial Weekend, which, for your family, is one of the biggest times of the year, and everyone comes in, and they've been doing this for a hundred years or more, 105 years.

Speaker 2:

I haven't been doing it for a hundred years but, yeah, our family has had this gathering that has gone on for more than 100 years.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and so we found out on a Friday that we were miscarrying and that was we were, you know. Basically we got home and we were supposed to be leaving within a couple hours of getting home, and so the kids are looking forward to it. And you had told them I think you had told them that you weren't going to go. And, of course, with everything going on, this didn't set well with them and a lot of things were, you know, were said, and it just a lot of hurt was going on. And I told you to take them. Just take them and go and I'll be fine. I've been through miscarriage before, but I'll be fine. Just take them and go and keep that normalcy for them. And you didn't want to go. I remember you did not want to leave, you wanted to stay and I basically forced you to go.

Speaker 2:

And I think my exact words were I'll go, but I know this is going to come back to bite me.

Speaker 1:

And I truly, in that moment, didn't feel like it would, but I hadn't had the miscarriage yet. It was really hard and tough. But the next day, so you guys left, and then the next day is when I actually had the miscarriage and, um, just the feeling of loneliness and the feeling of um, you know, there was just so many emotions and feelings that came with that and going through that by myself, even though I chose to go through that by myself, I was very angry with you and so when you came home I don't know if you came home on the next day, sunday, or if it was Monday, I don't remember but I think we came home Sunday night. I think you came home early and when you came home it was late at night and you came in and got in bed and I just remember you rolled over to give me a kiss or whatever, and I was just don't touch me.

Speaker 1:

Because in that moment I just felt so abandoned and so hurt, even though, again, like, I told you to leave. But you know a lot of just constantly having to do things on my own in the past. That was my wall was go, just take them and go. Keep normalcy, Just go. I can do this. I've done this before. This is not anything new to me being by myself, but, and then I think the reality set in that I was by myself.

Speaker 2:

It was a prime example of not keeping a popsicle stick for yourself, putting everybody else first and not realizing Not that you didn't realize the severity of it, because it's not the first time that you had been through a miscarriage, but it definitely and it definitely had an impact, and I think that that has been a decision that I have regretted, because I know that you needed me here, and so let me just say this that guys, we can't understand what a woman goes through with a miscarriage. It's completely different for them than it is for us, and so I just want to encourage you that, if you find yourself in that situation, be there for your wife and ladies. If you have been in that situation and you're still struggling with it, I really want to encourage you to reach out to Cindy, because she is an incredible resource to help you walk through that pain or just the pain of the miscarriage, whatever it is.

Speaker 1:

Reach out to her because she has walked where you're walking. Yeah, another part of abandonment that is in trauma is somebody who was physically present but emotionally not there, so just somebody who's never truly engaging in the relationship, or somebody who literally just up and quit talking to you or just cut you off. I have some stories on this, but I'm not going to go into them off. I have some stories on this but I'm not going to go into them so it can show up later in life.

Speaker 1:

Just, you know that fear of abandonment, just always wondering if people are going to leave and just almost just waiting for them to leave. So you might have difficulty just fully opening up because you just assume people won't stay. So why share things with you? Why pour my heart out to you? Why give myself to you when you're not going to stay? Anyway you're just going to turn around and hurt me. So this can also leave you just feeling like you have to earn somebody's love love rather than just simply receive it. We have so many couples that we talk to and deal with that really struggle with this. They really struggle to receive love, and a lot of that is because something from their past, whether that be a parent or a spouse or whatever it was, hurt them deeply and they can't accept love.

Speaker 2:

This was something that I really struggled with at the beginning of our marriage. Anytime we would have a disagreement or we'd have an argument. I mean, my first my go-to was so does this mean you're going to leave? I mean, my first my go-to was so does this mean you're going to leave? And I don't know how many times you had to tell me no, I'm not going anywhere, Don't be an idiot. I made a promise to you. I made a commitment to God. I'm in this for the long haul, but that's that fear of abandonment. That's that fear of abandonment, and it took me a long time to get to the point where that wasn't my go-to. Anytime we had a disagreement.

Speaker 2:

So that one can definitely be tough, and I think one of the reasons it's tough is because we have this fear of being replaced or being overlooked. So maybe we were in a long-term relationship but the other person moved on quickly after it ended. You invested in them, but they got what they wanted and then they left. Or suddenly we're being treated as if we're disposable, and I think that can show up as a deep insecurity about not being special or valuable, and that can be a tough place to be, and that's one of those areas where we really have to dig into the scriptures and understand that. The word tells us that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, that every one of us are a special creation of God. That's why we're all unique. Even when you have a set of twins, the twins always have their unique personality. You know, I've got two nieces that are twins and to this day, oh, that's right. I now have four nieces that are twins and to this day, oh that's right. I now have four nieces that are twins.

Speaker 1:

We do.

Speaker 2:

We have four nieces who are twins One set. We've never met the other set. They are I think there'll be turning 21 here in June and to this day I struggle to tell them apart, but they have completely different personalities, and what that tells us is that every one of us were created by God in a unique and special way. So don't let yourself feel like you're not special and not valuable, because you are incredibly special. In fact, you're valuable enough that God chose to send his son to give his life for you and you alone.

Speaker 1:

Another way is public humiliation or betrayal, and so this is something where maybe they shared personal things about you without your consent, maybe they embarrassed you in front of your family, your friends, maybe publicly, like online. Right now, I know, with our kids, they go through a completely different set of situations that we went through as a kid, because, simply because there's the internet and everything is shared on there or, you know, maybe they have turned people against you or spread lies about you after the relationship ended, and I think this one happens, oh my goodness, all the time. I know it doesn't probably happen all the time, but it does happen a lot. And so, you know, I think as individuals, we have to be very careful what we listen to, especially if it was a relationship that ended, because, you know, people speak out of being hurt, and so they tend to only remember the bad and that's what they tell people. So no relationship ends solely by one person. It's always two people, and so there's always two sides to every story.

Speaker 1:

We've all been guilty of it. We've all been guilty, I'm sure, of sharing things that maybe were embellished or whatever after we've been deeply hurt, but and we've all probably been guilty of listening to it from somebody else. But this is this is an area where you just have to be very, very careful. This can show up later in life, though, for just fear of opening up because you don't want anything to be against you, you know things that you tell somebody could be turned around and thrown at you in a negative way. Or you know, sometimes just overthinking everything you say, worried that it's going to be twisted around and, I think, feeling like you have to defend yourself when you know that you've done nothing wrong. But that's just a natural human reaction to when we hear something about ourselves to you just want to defend it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and ultimately, all of these things result in a fear of vulnerability, and what that looks like in our life is we live in a society that is a masquerade party. It's Halloween every day for too many of us, because we're always wearing the mask. We don't want anybody to see the reality of who we are. We have to put on um, you know this show and carry these pretenses, and just because we don't want people to know the truth about us, and that is something that makes it very, very difficult to have a lasting, meaningful relationship.

Speaker 2:

You know, the truth of a marriage is, if you don't really know who I am, we can't have a deep, meaningful bond. But you can never know who I am if I'm not willing to open up and let you see know who I am. If I'm not willing to open up and let you see if I'm not willing to be vulnerable and let you see me in my weakness. It's like where the Bible says that it's in our weakness that God's strength is made great. And, guys, listen to me, you have to learn to be vulnerable with your wife and let her see your vulnerability, because that is what is going to strengthen your marriage.

Speaker 1:

Yeah and this brings me to just another one, though is betrayal in marriage. We've already covered the infidelity, but this could be also just where they didn't protect you. Maybe they let their family mistreat you, or you know friends, or maybe they sided with you know somebody else against you. They could put work or hobbies or friends ahead of the marriage and, you know, basically leaving you just feeling completely unimportant. Or I've seen this one come up more times than I want to mention. But they've broken financial trust. So maybe they're racking up a secret debt or have a completely different bank account or hiding money or even having a gambling problem.

Speaker 1:

These are secrets that sometimes people keep from each other and you know this can show up later by absolute resentment or bitterness, and a lot of times we tend to bring these. If we don't resolve it, we'll bring that into the next relationship, and so it's really really, really important to do the work and to really get through this, the healing process of it, so that you don't bring that into the new relationship. But it can make you just have a difficulty feeling safe or secure in a marriage, even if you're in a committed marriage just having these traumas from your past that you have not fully dealt with. It's going to cause problems in your new relationship or your new marriage.

Speaker 2:

And that's the reason that the vast majority of second marriages fail because we never take care of the trauma that we've experienced in the past. And if we will never acknowledge it, then that means we're not likely going to tell our new partner about it and they're not going to know how to deal with it, and they may not know what triggers to stay away from. They may not know how to deal with it and they may. They may not know what triggers to stay away from. They may not know how to avoid those things, and it really can be challenging and difficult if, if we're just not willing to to go there and and be in that part of it willing to go there and be in that part of it.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so things you can do when you have this trauma in your life is acknowledge the pain. So you know the reality is betrayal hurts, and ignoring it doesn't make it go away. So you need to acknowledge it and you need to address it, whether that's talking to somebody or journaling or however that looks for you. But be able to get that out. And you know, don't blame yourself. Someone else's actions do not define your worth, and I'm going to say that again Someone else's actions do not define your worth. This is important, and so many of us take in what we've heard or how we've been treated, or just experiences that we've had from our past, and we look at that as that's our self-worth. And there's a saying that hurt people hurt people, and so they are projecting their pain onto you because it makes them feel better about themselves. So another thing you can do, though and this is important is you have to set boundaries. I think we've talked about boundaries before, but trust needs to be earned, and it's not just freely given after betrayal. It can take a long time to build that back up when you've been hurt, when somebody's really let you down. So you have to set boundaries and speak truth over yourself. Guys, you are loved and you are so, so worthy and you're not what happened to you. So you know, jesus sees our heart, he sees who we are and he doesn't judge us by our outward appearance or any of that. He sees who we are and it's so important to just speak that truth over you because, like I said earlier, like we have a tendency to run this, you know, this playlist over and over and over in our mind about who we aren't, or about what we don't do, or about what you know, fill in the blank. And what would happen if, instead of telling ourself all the bad things, what would happen if we just started telling ourselves the good things?

Speaker 1:

You know, I had a session this week with a lady who is in my coaching certification with me and she mentioned she asked me a question. She said have you and we're going to we're going to get into this in the next episode, but I'm going to touch on it really quick right now is she asked me the question have you ever just thanked your body for the things that it's done, instead of just hating the things that it hasn't done or what it isn't. You know, it's not the way I want it to be. Have I ever just taken the time to really thank my body for the things that it has done for me, and have I given my body time to mourn the losses of the babies? Have I given my body the time to mourn the loss you know of basically my femininity? Is that a word? Femininity? It is today. Is that a word Femininity?

Speaker 2:

It is today.

Speaker 1:

But when I had the hysterectomy and so we're very quick to judge the things we don't like about ourselves and a lot of that comes from things we've heard or the fear of being rejected or whatever that looks like. But take the time to love on yourself, to truly love on yourself. Your body knows if you're just lying to yourself, it knows. But when you really truly start to say you know, it sounds a little crazy, believe me, I know this. It sounds a little crazy. Believe me, I know this. But think each organ you know it's keeping you alive. You know your stomach gives you nourishment. Your heart beats without you telling it to. There are so many things that are going on in your body and it's important to take that time and really just address that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you know, the Bible tells us to speak the truth in love, and when we quote that scripture we're usually talking about speaking to somebody else. But the Bible also teaches that our body is a temple. And how often do we speak the truth in love to the temple, which is what God has created? So understand this Betrayal doesn't get the final say over your future. So you know we've talked about what trauma is. And now just real quick, let's touch on what trauma is.

Speaker 2:

And it's not just I had a bad day or, you know, a tough experience. Hard things happen, but they don't always leave a lasting imprint on your nervous system. It's trauma is different from I'm stuck in trauma but I'm healing. So what's the difference? Trauma gets stuck in the body and it changes the way we operate until we deal with it. So you know trauma is not necessarily an event. You know trauma is not necessarily an event. It's the way our body and our minds respond to that event or series of events.

Speaker 2:

Some people can experience something that other people would say was just absolutely traumatic, but for them it doesn't have an impact on them one way or another. It doesn't have an impact on them one way or another. So we can't define trauma based on necessarily the event alone, but trauma is defined by the way that that event impacts our life and our way of thinking, our mindset, the way we view the world and other people in the world. And the reality is we long to feel safe and when we have experienced a trauma, it causes us not to feel safe in our world. So you know I don't know if any of this has resonated with you today If so, let us know. Reach out to us on Facebook, at Love in the Hard. That's our Facebook group. You can send us a message, an email, and we would love to know what you guys think of trauma and maybe even share with us some of the things that you have learned as you've walked through trauma yourself.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I'd love to know how you were able to overcome some things, and you know we enjoy hearing that.

Speaker 1:

We enjoy hearing from you. We enjoy hearing how this is helping you. Trauma is something that we all deal with. Trauma is something that isn't going away. But we can take the time and really learn how to deal with that trauma and how to be unstuck from it.

Speaker 2:

So next time we are going to continue this discussion about trauma, we're going to find out and talk some about how it impacts us physically, because it does have a physical impact on our bodies, not just in relationships and not just emotionally, but it actually has a physical impact on us as well. So join us next week as we continue this study. We pray that this has been a blessing and until next time, remember love is worth it, even in the hard.

Speaker 1:

God bless. Hey friend, thanks for listening. If you got something out of this episode, be sure to follow or subscribe to love in the hard on Apple podcasts, spotify or wherever you listen, so you never miss a new episode. Please take time to leave a review, especially if you listen on Apple podcasts. This will help more people access honest conversations about building lasting relationships, resilience through life's hardest moments and mindset shifts to overcome self-doubt.

Speaker 2:

And if you're really feeling it, go ahead and screenshot this episode on your phone and share it on social media. Tag us at loving the hard on Facebook and Instagram and we'll be sure to reshare your post. Thanks again for listening. We'll see you next time.