Love In The Hard

Navigating Grief: The Path to Rediscovering Joy

• Cindi and Patrick Pistelli • Season 1 • Episode 8

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Our latest conversation dives into the complex relationship between joy and grief, providing deep insights into how they can coexist even during the hardest moments. Patrick and Cindy share their personal experiences, highlighting the emotional struggles surrounding loss and the journey to rediscover joy.

• Navigating the feelings of guilt associated with finding joy after a loss 
• Understanding that joy is a deeper state than simple happiness 
• Embracing practical steps to rediscover joy amid sorrow 

If you're struggling to find joy after your own losses, we are here for you. Reach out, connect with our community, and remember that healing takes time and support. 


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Cindi:

Hey friends, welcome to Love in the Hard, where we share our journey of resilience, faith and transformation, diving into raw real-life challenges like overcoming past trauma, self-doubt and building a strong, loving family, all with the hope of inspiring others to seek God's hand in their own stories.

Patrick:

We are Patrick and Cindi Pistelli, and we are here to remind you that you are not alone. There's hope even when life feels tough, so grab a seat and let's get real.

Cindi:

Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Love in the Hard where we have honest conversations about life, marriage, faith and the struggles that shape us and today we are diving into something a lot of people wrestle with finding joy after walking through a really hard season.

Patrick:

And before we even get started, let's just say if you've been through something heavy like loss or disappointment or grief, you don't need a quick fix and we're not here to just slap a don't worry, be happy. Sticker on it. That's not how healing works.

Cindi:

Yeah. So if we're being honest, when life just really gets you down.

Patrick:

When you've experienced loss or disappointment, betrayal, the idea of choosing joy can feel impossible. It can even feel of reach when you're still picking up the pieces. The reality is you can't think your way out of a situation like that. We've been there. We've walked through miscarriages, We've watched our friends bury their children. We've seen people struggle through the darkest seasons of their lives. We've lost people ourselves and joy felt so far away for them and from us. But here's what we've learned it doesn't have to stay that way forever.

Cindi:

That's right. So today we want to have a real conversation about what it actually looks like to find joy again, and not in a way that ignores the pain that you've been through, but in a way that honors it while moving forward towards healing. So one of the things we want to talk about today is why joy feels so hard after a loss, and so I want to start here and talk about when you go through something devastating. Joy almost feels offensive. You know, you kind of think how can I even think about being happy when I've lost so much?

Cindi:

And so this brings back a memory for me about right after my friend Darian passed away from suicide and I went to the park and I was just walking around the park and I just remember I got to a certain point and it just hit me so hard that here I'm out, walking, clearing my head, just trying to just understand what just went on, and it just, I remember, thinking like I shouldn't be out here, I shouldn't be able to do this, I shouldn't be able to come out here and walk, because he can never do that again, he's not here. And so it just came over me, just almost feeling like I was doing something wrong because, you know, I'm still able to get out and do things where his life had stopped.

Patrick:

And I think that's where a lot of people get stuck. It's not that they don't want to feel joy. It's that either they don't know how or they're afraid that experiencing that joy means they're forgetting or minimizing what they've been through or what the other person has been through. And I think people worry that if they experience joy again it means they're forgetting or they're moving on too quickly, that if they smile they're dishonoring the person they lost or the pain that they walked through.

Cindi:

Yeah. So today we want to talk about what joy actually is, because joy is not just an emotion that comes and goes, but it's something deeper. It's something that can coexist with sorrow, even in the aftermath of a really painful season.

Patrick:

The reality is that joy is not a feeling at all. Happiness is a feeling, but joy is not. Joy is a state in which we exist. Happiness that comes and goes, that is a feeling. It's an emotion. It doesn't stay forever. But joy is much, much more than that. If we look at the word joy in scripture, it is actually the Greek word kara, which is from the same root word as charis, which means grace. So the reality is that joy is not based on our circumstances. It's not based on our situation or anything that is going on around us, but the reality is that joy is a state in which we exist because we know what the grace that God has offered us means.

Cindi:

Yeah, so grief and joy aren't enemies and they can actually exist together. So that's the part no one really likes to talk about, because you don't have to move on to experience joy again. You don't have to be over it to feel something good.

Patrick:

It's like carrying something really heavy. At first it feels unbearable, but over time, as your muscles strengthen, it gets easier, not because the weight disappears, but because you've learned how to carry it differently.

Cindi:

Yeah, joy isn't about erasing the weight. It's about learning how to hold both your pain and the possibility of something beautiful again.

Patrick:

So how do you actually find joy again?

Cindi:

Let's talk about the practical side of this. So, if you are in that really dark place, if you're going through that, you know right now how do you even begin to look for joy when everything inside of you feels numb. And the one thing I want to tell you is give yourself permission to feel both. It's okay to feel both, and it's okay to feel both at the same time yeah.

Patrick:

First, stop feeling guilty for moments of lightness. You don't have to be sad 24 seven to prove your love or your grief. That moment where you laugh at something ridiculous doesn't mean that you've forgotten. It doesn't mean that you're dishonoring the loss or the grief that you're feeling. It just means that your heart is still capable of feeling more than one thing at a time.

Cindi:

Right, you can miss someone and still find joy in the sunshine, in your kids, in a song that makes you smile. So let both exist in that same place.

Patrick:

Number two start with the small things.

Cindi:

So don't go looking for a massive, overwhelming joy right away. Look for the smallest spark, one thing a moment of peace in the morning, or the way your coffee smells, or even a hug, something tiny that can remind you that life still holds good things, and it's okay if joy feels like a stranger for a while.

Patrick:

Just start by noticing the little moments that don't feel bad, that's enough. But it's important that you recognize it and allow that in and give yourself permission to do that.

Cindi:

So number three is to let people in.

Patrick:

Grief tends to isolate us. Hard seasons make you feel like no one understands, and the reality is that a lot of people don't understand. But there are people that have been through what you have been through and they do understand to some extent what you're dealing with. When you start opening up, you'll begin to realize that you're not carrying this burden all by yourself.

Cindi:

I know that can be the hardest part carrying this burden all by yourself. I know that can be the hardest part I know for myself. When I'm really hurting, you know, it's just so easy to want to shut the world out. So, from for me, I tend to grieve alone and I need time to process. I need time to just, you know, be alone with myself in my own head and not have people telling me how they grieve or how they think I should grieve. And so I know, though, for myself, that's not always healthy, because I have a tendency sometimes to isolate for long periods of time, because I have a tendency sometimes to isolate for long periods of time. And you know, we're designed for connection, and connection is really where the healing is going to start. So, even if it's just one person or one conversation, yeah, here's one thing that I've noticed about you.

Patrick:

Here's one thing that I've noticed about you and I've seen this on multiple occasions, but specifically last year, when our church was dealing with tragedy that you were strong for everyone else In the midst of people. You were there, you were the rock for people to lean on. But I remember one night you had pulled into the garage and you just sat in the car, and so I walked out to check on you, because it had been a while and you were sitting in the car by yourself on your phone looking through pictures. The tears had started flowing. Nobody else was going to see that, and so I think it was really important and I'm really grateful that in that moment, you allowed me in, because it meant that you didn't have to carry the grief alone. So the next thing that we're going to talk about is that it's okay to let yourself dream again.

Cindi:

That one can be definitely a hard one for people, but at some point you really have to start believing in your future again, and believe me, I know that is hard. But loss doesn't have to mean that life is over. It means that it's changed and you are still allowed to hope and to dream and to find meaning in what's next.

Patrick:

That doesn't mean forgetting.

Patrick:

It means honoring what you've been through by choosing to live fully again, and part of the way that we do that is, in all honesty, it's the reason that we have this podcast, because we recognize that the difficult things that we've been through in our life we could continue to allow those things to control us and to hold us back, but I think when we came to the realization that God was able to use those things in order to help other people, it really changed.

Patrick:

I think for both of us talk about these really difficult things, because I know neither one of us are the kind of person that's going to go out and, just, you know, share all this stuff and be vulnerable and let you see those hard parts in our lives. But while the enemy may have meant this for something terrible, to destroy us, God meant this, or he allowed this or is using this to bring glory to him and to be an encouragement to other people. So I think it's really important that we understand that the things that we've been through can actually be a part of the dreams that we have for the future. And that is where joy comes in when we understand that what we've experienced can actually be a blessing to other people.

Cindi:

Yeah, and I think that's what helps me keep going with a lot of things, because it doesn't matter what I've been through, where I've been, my heart has always been to help somebody else. You know, if they're going through, maybe it's something similar to what I went through or just maybe it's, you know, a loss that's completely different. My heart, just you know, breaks for that person, but I want to be there for them and I want to help them through that. And so, and sometimes, you know, sometimes sitting with somebody I know we talked about this a couple episodes ago sometimes just sitting with somebody, not saying anything, just being there for them, is what they need. To be uncomfortable when somebody's grieving, but, like we said before, just allow that person to have that time and that moment and they'll start to be able to find the joy again.

Cindi:

I know I've sat with so many different people who have lost somebody in one way or another, and one thing they consistently say is they do feel guilty for smiling, for laughing to you know, for finding joy. They know that their person that passed on wouldn't want them to sit around and be miserable, but at the same time, they really struggle with. I shouldn't be laughing, I shouldn't be. You know, having this joy because they truly do feel like it means that you know they've forgotten about that person, or that you know they aren't hurting as bad as what it might seem. So, and emotions are crazy because you can in one moment you can, you can be happy, and then in the next moment you can be completely bawling your eyes out about something. So, but joy is truly something from deep within and I don't know. It's a beautiful thing when you allow that to come back.

Patrick:

I think also from the standpoint of being there for somebody else who is maybe walking through the valley. You mentioned just being there and maybe that just means sitting quietly. And if you remember the story of Job, he lost everything. He lost his family, he lost his livelihood. He lost his livelihood, he lost his health, all of it. Like he got hit with everything and he had some friends that came and they sat with him and for those first seven days they were great friends. They did exactly the right thing until they opened their mouths. When they began to talk they got a little bit lost and became a distraction. But when they were there and just sitting and just grieving with him, that is what Job needed. It's okay to go through that, through that, but the Bible tells us that weeping may come in the night, but joy follows in the morning.

Cindi:

Yeah, so, guys, if you're in a dark place right now, please just know this that your joy isn't gone forever. It might not look the same and it might take some time, but it is still possible. So, even after the hardest seasons that you've been in, life just still holds so much goodness and you, friend, deserve to experience it.

Patrick:

So if, today, all you can do is just take one deep breath or put one foot in front of the other and make it through, that's enough.

Cindi:

We love you guys and we're with you, and we are praying that joy finds its way back to you, one step at a time.

Patrick:

Thank you for walking on this journey with us today. We look forward to hearing from you guys. If you haven't had the chance to join our Facebook group, Love in the Heart, then we encourage you to go there on Facebook. Find us, join the group, become part of the community that is here to lift one another up and, until next time, remember that love is worth it, even in the hard.

Cindi:

God bless wherever you listen, so you never miss a new episode. Please take time to leave a review, especially if you listen on Apple Podcasts. This will help more people access honest conversations about building lasting relationships, resilience through life's hardest moments and mindset shifts to overcome self-doubt.

Patrick:

And if you're really feeling it, go ahead and screenshot this episode on your phone and share it on social media. Tag us at Loving the Hard on Facebook and Instagram and we'll be sure to reshare your post. Thanks again for listening. We'll see you next time.