Love In The Hard

Breaking Barriers: Transforming Self-Sabotage into Trust and Love

• Cindi and Patrick Pistelli • Season 1 • Episode 4

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What happens when the very behaviors meant to protect us end up sabotaging our relationships? This episode unravels the intricate dance of self-sabotage, where fear and vulnerability create emotional barriers that keep love at bay. By sharing personal stories and insights, we explore the all-too-common patterns of avoidance and the fear of vulnerability, examining how these contribute to the breakdown of relationships. Listen as we reflect on our own past, illustrating how the failure to confront these patterns can lead to heartache.

Discover how a pivotal moment at a marriage conference became a catalyst for change, highlighting the power of honest communication to heal and transform relationships. We delve into the hidden resentments and unresolved issues that can quietly erode intimacy, stressing the importance of letting go of past hurts. Through candid reflections, we underscore the necessity of self-awareness and effective communication in building resilient and enduring partnerships, without overburdening ourselves with unnecessary stress through overanalysis.

The final part of our journey focuses on breaking the cycle of self-sabotage and nurturing trust. From the comfort found in chaos to the struggle of adapting to healthy relationships, we examine the role of perfectionism and insecurity in our behaviors. By embracing faith and surrendering control, we learn how to overcome these obstacles and foster fulfilling partnerships. With tools like journaling, prayer, and scriptures, we encourage listeners to replace limiting beliefs and build a healthier perspective rooted in trust and love. Join us for an episode that promises to empower you with insights and strategies to enhance your relationships and personal growth.

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Cindi:

Hey friends, welcome to Love in the Hard, where we share our journey of resilience, faith and transformation, diving into raw real-life challenges like overcoming past trauma, self-doubt and building a strong, loving family, all with the hope of inspiring others to see God's hand in their own stories.

Patrick:

We are Patrick and Cindi Pistelli, and we are here to remind you that you are not alone. There's hope even when life feels tough, so grab a seat and let's get real.

Cindi:

Hey, friends, welcome back to Love in the Hard, or, if this is your first time, we are so thrilled that you're here. This is the podcast where we talk about faith, relationships and the not so great parts of marriage and entrepreneurship. We're going to talk about the struggles, the lessons and how to grow through them. So we love having these conversations with you, and today is a good one. We're talking all about self-sabotage in relationships, something a lot of people do without even realizing it. We'll break down the patterns, why they happen and how to stop pushing love away.

Patrick:

If you've ever found yourself picking fights, shutting down or questioning whether you even deserve a healthy relationship, then this episode is for you, so let's get into it.

Cindi:

All right. So first things first. Today's episode we actually didn't plan on having today, so we had planned a totally different episode, put it together and God just made it very clear that we were supposed to go in this direction of self-sabotage, and it's something that we ourselves struggle with quite a bit. Actually, when we were really putting this together, we realized how much we do truly struggle with this. So what does self-sabotage actually mean? It's when you either consciously or unconsciously damage or push away something good in your life and in relationships. That usually looks like putting up a wall or creating distance, Even when, deep down, you really want connection.

Patrick:

And a lot of people don't even realize that they are doing this. One of the basic human needs is to feel safe. You know, when the kids were young, they would love to watch a storm, sit in a chair in front of the big picture window and just watch the storm. But they didn't want to do it by themselves, they wanted to do it sitting in dad's arms. They felt safe and they felt secure and somewhere along the line. What happens in life is we decide that we become responsible for our own safety. This is where self-sabotage comes in. We begin to feel like I'm responsible for myself and I want to be in control of the situation, of the situation. So we justify it by saying that we're just being cautious or that we're just protecting ourselves, but in reality we're just acting out of fear.

Cindi:

Yeah, fear of being hurt, fear of vulnerability, fear, if you let someone love you, that it won't last. I know I have struggled with that one. You know why even get into a relationship when it's just going to fall apart? Why would I allow myself to put myself out there when I'm just waiting for the other shoe to fall? I think so many people have felt that way and it makes them pause when they really want to get into a relationship.

Patrick:

Or we've been through so much of the past that we just assume that history is just going to repeat itself.

Cindi:

Yeah, the fear creates patterns, so those patterns keep us stuck and make it impossible to experience real, true intimacy.

Patrick:

And intimacy is ultimately what we're looking for in a relationship. If we don't have intimacy in a relationship, we don't have a relationship. We have an acquaintance.

Cindi:

So I want to just kind of go through some of the common ways that this will show up in a relationship, or this can show up in a relationship, and, as we do, I want you to really think about whether any of these sound familiar. So not as a way to judge yourself, but as an opportunity to grow.

Patrick:

First up, fear of vulnerability. This happens when we keep emotional walls up to avoid being hurt, but instead of protecting us, those walls actually create distance.

Cindi:

So a lot of times we don't see it this way, but vulnerability is actually a strength. Strong relationships are built on honesty and openness. So if you are struggling with this, you know, start by sharing the small things and just see how your partner responds with love.

Patrick:

This is a big one, especially for men and especially for me. I'm just going to be honest with you right now that I am really struggling to find the words to share here. Vulnerability can feel like weakness and, as men, we've been taught to never let them see a sweat. Don't let the enemy see the fear in your eyes, because they'll take advantage of it. That may be true in battle, but we are not in a battle with our significant other. We're afraid to pull back the cloak and let them see the man behind the mask, or the man behind the curtain, if you will. Vulnerability is what creates deep connection. It is what creates intimacy, and this is real for me because this is something that I've struggled with. And this is real for me because this is something that I've struggled with and this played a part in the breakdown of my first marriage. I'm going to preface this by saying this when there's a breakdown in a relationship, it is never 100% one-sided, so I think it's important for us to evaluate our part in it. Don't carry things that don't belong to you, but evaluate what happened and then learn from those.

Patrick:

For me, in that first marriage, there was a lack of vulnerability.

Patrick:

It stems from the fact that people had left in my past and, in order to make sure that didn't happen again, I was very closely guarded. So there was no discussion about what I liked, what made me tick, what I enjoyed, what my goals were, what my plans were none of that stuff. I wasn't willing to share any of that stuff and because of that, there was a lack of intimacy and a lack of connection in that relationship. Is that to say that I'm responsible for everything that happened? No, but it does say that I needed to evaluate that and learn from that, and I can say dear that when I met you, something changed and I felt safe with you. I felt like I could share my heart, I felt like I could be me and I didn't have to wear this mask anymore. So, guys, understand that if you want to have a relationship that is the relationship of your dreams, then it's going to require you to open up and to let that significant person in your life see the reality of who you are.

Cindi:

Yeah, and I don't think this is just with men.

Cindi:

I think with men it plays a really big part.

Cindi:

But as women, I mean, we are just as scared to be vulnerable with somebody, especially if our past has a pattern of you know, we're just as scared to be vulnerable with somebody, especially if our past has a pattern of you know, we're constantly being hurt, constantly, you know maybe being abused in some way.

Cindi:

So there's definitely a fear of vulnerability there. Because if you allow yourself to really be seen, you know, will they like you for who you really are. So if we can mask things, if we can kind of just put on this facade and put on the mask, then if they leave or if they're putting us down or if it doesn't work out, then well, that's not just they didn't leave me per se, they left what they thought was me. So you know, if you're afraid to open up or let your guard down or even just say how you really feel, that is self sabotage. Intimacy requires honesty and if we can't even be honest with our spouse, then we have no intimacy in that relationship. No matter how close or how great you get along, you can't actually have that deeper connection and you won't have the connection, the Christ connection, really between you.

Patrick:

There is a paradox that goes along with vulnerability, and it is this idea that we want to be seen, but we want to control the narrative, we want to control how people see us, and that's not true honesty. Another one picking fights over small things.

Cindi:

Listen. If you found yourself getting irritated over things that aren't really a big deal, sometimes that is your subconscious pushing your partner away before they get too close.

Patrick:

Yeah, it's kind of a diversionary tactic. If you create drama, then you don't have to face the deeper stuff.

Cindi:

Right. So if you notice yourself doing this, you know. I think it's really important to really ask yourself like what am I actually feeling right now? Is this truly about my partner, or is it coming from something deeper? I remember last year when we went to a marriage conference, and the whole idea behind the marriage conference obviously is to grow deeper with one another and create more intimacy, and so after our very first day there, they had a lot of different things that they had us do, and by the end of the day, we're we're just arguing about little things, and so the one thing that's coming to mind right now is the at the end of the day, you know, they let us go and we were supposed to go to our room, and then I think they had, I think we were going to dinner or something that night, and so we have this nice romantic dinner planned, but at the end of the day, we're doing nothing but arguing. So we get into the elevator, and do you remember what happened in the elevator?

Patrick:

I remember all too well what happened in the elevator. It was busy, the elevator was packed and this particular hotel would only let you put in a certain number of floors to stop at. So we're on the elevator and you kept asking me tell them to push our floor. Tell them what floor number we're on. Tell them what floor number we're on to push our floor. Tell them what floor number we're on. Tell them what floor number we're on. And I don't remember if they'd already pushed it or if they had pushed too many, but you were in the back of the elevator, you couldn't see what was going on and I handled it the way that I absolutely should not have and I just ignored you. So we get off the elevator and you are upset with me.

Patrick:

In my mind it was because I didn't say anything, but I know in reality it's because you didn't feel heard, and that is very important in a relationship. Was it a big deal? No, did we make it to our room? Yes, we absolutely made it to our room. We had dinner, but the vibe of the night was no longer about building intimacy. It was about how. We just had this argument over something silly, and neither one of us were really ready to let it go at that point.

Cindi:

Yeah, so the next day, of course, they, you know, have everyone in the room and they're talking to us.

Cindi:

And one of the things that came up was they, you know, have everyone in the room and they're talking to us. And one of the things that came up was hey, how many of you had an argument last night? Because apparently, the way that the marriage conference was designed was to really get you not to not so much to argue, to really get you not to not so much to argue, but to really start to get to the deeper issues. And what we found is we had some deep-rooted issues that we had never dealt with, things that came up early in our relationship, and we literally just buried them. And so, yeah, it wasn't about an elevator or anything, we were frustrated with one another, but it's because we had something deeper going on, and so it actually ended up being a really good thing. We actually ended up being able to really open up to one another. I don't think in that moment, but, you know, later down the road, open up to one another and really get past some of the deep rooted things that we had going on.

Patrick:

Yeah, it was the next day that we had this conversation and there were some deep resentments that we had both carried and it wasn't an easy conversation in the moment, but looking back it was probably one of the best conversations that we have had that we have had. It required both of us to be vulnerable and to recognize some things that had been bothering us, and so that kind of allowed us to move past that. So the next trait or characteristic that may be a sign of self-sabotage in your relationship is holding on to past hurts. This one keeps people stuck. If you're viewing your partner through the lens of an old betrayal, it's time to heal and release it.

Cindi:

Yeah.

Cindi:

So what we found when we really got vulnerable with one another and started talking about the things from the beginning of our relationship is we were holding on to those and, even though they didn't come up on the daily you know our everyday life they were always running in the background and so it was something or some things actually that you know we really hadn't forgiven one another, for we were holding on to those and we were almost using them as daggers anytime something came up, but we didn't actually talk about what it was, but we were holding on to that like it was still happening.

Cindi:

So you know, forgiveness isn't about just saying what happened was okay, but it really is about freeing yourself from the weight of it. So you know you need to. You know, pray about it, ask God to give you wisdom and show you what it is that you're struggling with, because a lot of times we find that we don't even know necessarily what we're struggling with. So pray through that and ask for wisdom, seek counsel. Sometimes we can't see things that are going on in our own lives, but when we are able to talk to somebody else, they are able to easily see what's going on and really just start taking those steps towards letting it go.

Patrick:

This showed up for me in the fact that every time we would have an argument, my go-to phrase was so are you going to leave? That's what I had known. I had known that people got upset and they left. So we have an argument. My immediate thought is so you are going to leave? Right? That was my way of self-sabotaging, because I was holding onto those hurts from the past. Because I was holding on to those hurts from the past, what I had to do is recognize that you are not my past and that we don't have to agree all the time, and that just because we have a disagreement doesn't mean that you're going to walk out the door and leave me. So next, overanalyzing everything, Hun, have you ever read too much into a text message or assumed the worst about something that I said?

Cindi:

Well, I've definitely been there, not just with you, but with other people. It's funny because I go back and forth on this Some days I overanalyze everything and then other days I literally just don't care. So both of those are actually coping mechanisms. But you know, when you're constantly overanalyzing and trying to overthink something, all you're really doing is creating unnecessary stress, and you know we're so bogged down this day and age with so much stress, so you know this is something that we could actually take off our plate. So, instead of you know, finding fault in whatever it is they send over, whether it's your, you know, your partner or friend or whoever try to assume the best, and you know, communicate directly with one another instead of making assumptions.

Patrick:

Overanalyzing at its root is perfectionism. It's trying not to make a mistake. I remember the infamous nine month master bathroom shower project. You went to do something, I don't remember what it was, and you asked me to go and I said no, I'm going to stay here and I'm going to work on the shower. And when you came back, I hadn't done anything and you said what did you do? And I said I got a lot done. I spent the last four hours thinking about the right way to do this, to make sure that I didn't make a mistake. Ultimately, that is a coping mechanism as well. Another way that I overanalyze is when we go to bed every night, I'll roll over and I will say I love you and your response is always love you too. We joke about this, but if I'm not careful, I will actually contemplate this and it will become an issue for me. Just simply that you didn't say I love you too, like that is overanalyzing words. That doesn't really mean anything. So overanalyzing it is a self-sabotaging action. How about seeking constant reassurance?

Cindi:

Oh yeah, this is a big one. I see this a lot in people I help coach with or just talking with, but I also see this a lot in my past. So when you are constantly asking do you love me, do you still want to be with me, that's often coming from a place of insecurity and fear of abandonment. So chances are somewhere in your past somebody has left, whether it be a parent, a spouse, a friend, you know whatever that is. Someone has left and now you're constantly needing that constant reassurance of am I good enough?

Patrick:

It puts pressure on your partner to constantly prove their love, and that can become exhausting. I know that we want to know that people are proud of us, especially those people that are close to us, and that they appreciate us. So sometimes we'll do things and we will do it with the intention of trying to receive appreciation. Did I do good on that song that I sang? Did you enjoy the message today? Did you notice that I did the dishes? It's those types of things where we are actively doing things, where we are trying to get a response from those people that are closest to us. But the truth is, it's just because we're not comfortable and confident in ourselves. Ignoring red flags is another big one. Sometimes people stay in unhealthy relationships because they just simply fear being alone.

Cindi:

So if you find yourself making excuses for a behavior that doesn't align with your values, that is a sign to step back and pray for clarity. God wants you in a relationship that honors Him and you. I dealt with this for so long. I would stay in a relationship simply to be in a relationship, and I ignored all the red flags. I ignored every bit of you know, something that I knew wasn't aligning with my values, with my morals, but the fear of being alone was greater than the fear of having a healthy relationship. So I stayed in toxic relationships. One, because it's all I knew and so it was comfortable. But two, I really just thought, well, being in a relationship is better than not being in a relationship. So I stayed with it far longer than I ever should have because I just ignored all the red flags. So two more comparing your relationship to others and pulling away when things are going well

Patrick:

yeah, it's been said, the comparison is the thief of joy, and that is so true.

Patrick:

when we compare our relationship to other people's relationships, it's not really comparing apples to apples, and so we begin to feel like maybe I'm missing out on something, and that is self-sabotage. And sometimes, when love feels safe and healthy, it actually freaks people out, especially if they've only known chaos. It's true that we are comfortable in the chaos, and sometimes stepping out of the chaos puts us in a place where we're taken out of our comfort zone.

Cindi:

Yeah, exactly, if you've spent your life in toxic relationships, a healthy one can seem very unfamiliar and instead of embracing it, you actually sabotage it. So for myself, all I knew was toxic relationships. I never had a healthy relationship until we met. So there were times where I know I would say I feel like our relationship is so boring. And it wasn't because it was actually boring, it was because I was so used to the chaos in the other relationships, I was so used to having drama that when there wasn't any drama, it felt just foreign to me.

Patrick:

All right, we've talked about how self-sabotage shows up, but now let's talk about how to stop it.

Cindi:

So self-awareness is really the first step. Take a step back and ask yourself do I notice any of these patterns in my relationships?

Patrick:

This is not about judgment. We don't want to judge ourselves, we don't want to condemn ourselves, but we do want to be aware Once you see it, you can do something about it. If we don't ever see the situation, we can never address the situation.

Cindi:

So I think it's also really key to figure out what is driving the behavior. So, is it a fear of abandonment? Is it a past betrayal? Is it a belief that you're not enough? What is the root cause that is making you feel this way?

Patrick:

This is a tough question to ask, because it requires us to be honest and vulnerable with ourselves. Journaling and prayer are extremely powerful tools. Ask God to show you what lies you've been believing about yourself and your relationship. See, we see the world through the lens of our past, and that impacts the way that we view ourselves. I think it's also important to find the scriptures that will clarify truth in our lives.

Cindi:

Yeah, it's really important to replace the limiting beliefs with God's truth. So a few scriptures that I can think of. You know that when you're really struggling, look these up, read through them. So Psalms 139,14 says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. So when you believe this scripture it's quite difficult to continue in self-sabotage. Another scripture is 1 John 4.18. Perfect love drives out fear. Scripture is 1 John 4, 18. Perfect love drives out fear. Now, in our relationships and with our friends, with our family, with our spouse, we don't have a perfect love. The only love that is ever perfect is that love that Christ has for us. But if we are striving to be more like Christ, we're going to show up like that in our relationships as well. Another powerful scripture is 2 Timothy 1.7. God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. Guys, that one is so incredibly powerful.

Patrick:

At the very root of self-sabotage is fear. Self-sabotage is fear. I am afraid that this relationship is not going to end the way that I want it to, and I don't have control over that. So I'm going to strike preemptively, I'm going to sabotage the relationship so that at least, when it ends, it ends on my terms. That is a fear-based mindset, but as you just said, dear, we have not been given a spirit of fear.

Patrick:

It is also important to understand that communication with your partner is essentia l. If you're in a relationship, let your partner in on your journey. Self-sabotage thrives in secrecy, but healing happens in openness. I'm reminded of John 1, verse 5, where it says that the light drives away the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome the light.

Cindi:

I really think we could have an entire episode completely around communication, because it's so big in a relationship. A strong relationship is really just built on trust. It's built on openness. So be honest with one another about what you're working through. You're there for each other. We are to lift our partner up, and so we can't lift them up if we don't truly know what's going on. So just be open and honest. That's what they're there for. You know, when you're with the right person, they're not going to look at you and look at your faults and look at all the things. They're going to want to support you and want to be by your side. So you know, just lean on them. We need each other in this world. We are better together. So you really need to take small, consistent actions towards change, and the best way to break a habit is to replace it with a better one. So if you push love away, practice leaning in instead.

Patrick:

If you overanalyze, ask for clarification. If you avoid tough conversations, start with one small honest talk. It's the small steps that lead to the journey itself and finally strengthen your faith and trust God's plan. At the core of self-sabotage is often a lack of trust in ourselves, in our partner and even sometimes in God. But healthy relationships require faith. If God brought this relationship into your life, trust him with it. Stop trying to control everything and just let love in.

Cindi:

I couldn't agree more on this. I mean, the reality is, love is risky, but it's also worth it. So, and healing is possible when we surrender it to God. When I finally surrendered everything over, that's when we met.

Cindi:

I took a long time to really focus on healing and just really giving everything to God and finding out what I really was looking for in a relationship and what I really wanted in a partner. And whenever I was able to do that, I realized that, you know, I wanted the stability and the safety that could only come through a relationship that Christ brought into my life, and so it took me five years to even entertain that option. I was perfectly content that I was going to be single for the rest of my life, and I was totally fine with that, because I was so tired of all the chaos and all the drama and all the toxicity that it was just easier to be alone than to be with someone. But when I allowed God to do the work not me do the work that's when he brought you into my life, and even though sometimes for me, I guess that feels a little boring at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Patrick:

I think that throughout our relationship, the mantra has been you don't know what you don't know, and for both of us, our past was one picture of what a relationship would look like, relationship that is focused on God and that is not allowing our past to impact us in the way that it has. In the past was something that was completely foreign to us, but I want to let all of you know that there is more out there if we'll just simply trust and move forward with it there, if we'll just simply trust and move forward with it.

Cindi:

Guys, I'm just going to be honest with you.

Cindi:

This has been a really difficult topic for us to get through, and I think it's because we do struggle with so many of these things, or we have struggled with so many of these things, that it's really hard to articulate to other people, and this is something I know.

Cindi:

This is why God brought this up, because this isn't just something so strong in our life, this is something that's so strong in so many people's lives and, you know, self-sabotage is a reason that we don't get into relationships or a reason that we leave a relationship far earlier than we ever. You know should Well, we don't get into relationships, or a reason that we leave a relationship far earlier than we ever. You know should well, we shouldn't if we're married. But you know, if, if you're in a, if you're in a toxic relationship and you're not married, you know, really, step outside and take a look at what that is and see if really part of this is just self-sabotage. See if you are staying in this relationship because you don't feel like you're worthy, because you don't feel like you should be allowed to have a healthy relationship, and you know, really, just evaluate that.

Patrick:

Yeah, this topic has been very challenging because it has caused us to be very vulnerable. This topic is heavy but it has the potential to be incredibly powerful, because it has the potential to change lives and to change marriages and to change relationships.

Cindi:

We hope this conversation encouraged you. Self-sabotage is something that you truly can overcome and with faith and self-awareness and intentional action, you can build a healthy, loving relationship that you really desire.

Patrick:

So if this episode helped you, share it with a friend and don't forget to subscribe next week. We are talking about self-sabotage in business.

Cindi:

So we love you guys, we're praying for you and we'll see you next time on Love in the Hard.

Patrick:

And remember love is worth it, even in the hard.

Cindi:

God bless.

Cindi:

Hey friend, thanks for listening. If you got something out of this episode, be sure to follow or subscribe to Love in the Hard on Apple Podcasts, spotify or wherever you listen, so you never miss a new episode. Please take time to leave a review, especially if you listen on Apple Podcasts review, especially if you listen on Apple Podcasts. This will help more people access honest conversations about building lasting relationships, resilience through life's hardest moments and mindset shifts to overcome self-doubt.

Patrick:

And if you're really feeling it, go ahead and screenshot this episode on your phone and share it on social media. Tag us at Love in the Hard on Facebook and Instagram and we'll be sure to reshare your post. Thanks again for listening. We'll see you next time.